Woman want many things from men. But there’s one thing they need before they will let a guy in sexually.
You know the old saying, men only want one thing? It’s true for women too …. While a man’s one thing is sex, for a woman, that one thing is … wait for it … security. Don’t get me wrong, please. I’m not saying that women need men to be secure! But in the context of a relationship, emotional security—feeling safe with her partner—is likely to be at the top of her list. In fact, many women in my practice will tell me that a prerequisite for sex is emotional safety within the relationship. If you understand that the number one emotional need women have in a relationship is the need to feel secure with you, you’ve just dramatically increased your chances for both a better relationship and better sex.
Often men are able to compartmentalize, so for men the need for emotional security as a prerequisite to sex isn’t always primary or even a big concern.
We can acknowledge that there seems to be a disparity between what men and women need when it comes to sex. To quote the astute funnyman Billy Crystal, “Women need a reason for sex, men just need a place.” Often men are able to compartmentalize, so for men the need for emotional security as a prerequisite to sex isn’t always primary or even a big concern. This is why it’s important for men to understand the need for creating emotional security in their relationships as a foundation for establishing and maintaining good sex with their partners.
Somehow men typically believe that if they are simply good lovers, women will want more of them.
Of course, we men have emotional needs as well. For men, the need to feel significant usually tops our list. It is my experience that a man gains a sense of importance, of feeling he matters, when a woman opens herself up to him sexually. In contrast, when a man feels sexually rejected he feels miserable and perhaps even on some level unworthy. It can be a vicious cycle … she doesn’t feel emotionally secure and rejects his advances for sex; he stops asking and withdraws emotionally, and adds to her lack of emotional security. Somehow men typically believe that if they are simply good lovers, women will want more of them. Right or wrong, sex for most men isn’t as much about achieving an orgasm (his or hers) as it is about ego gratification.
If she isn’t responding to you sexually, it may have to do more with a lack of trust than a lack of attraction.
Yet for women sexual satisfaction isn’t all about performance, size, or stamina. A woman will more often be able to reach orgasm and feel sexually satisfied if she first feels emotionally secure. A large part of this is due to biology. At a primal level, since sex leads to pregnancy, a woman seeks security as a means of survival for herself and her child. Thousands of years ago, a woman would depend on a man to provide her physical needs, such as food and shelter, for her and her children’s survival. Today women can certainly take care of themselves, but the echoes of evolution remain, leaving women with the desire for emotional safety. Consequently, emotional safety and security are vital for a woman to feel emotionally connected to a man, so if she isn’t responding to you sexually, it may have to do more with a lack of trust than a lack of attraction.
How can men creating emotional security for women?
The good news is that guys don’t need to learn a new sexual position or find some elusive magical “G” spot to keep a woman interested in sex. Instead by focusing on providing emotional security, you likely will increase her sexual satisfaction. The best way to help her feel emotionally secure is to be this: be consistent. She needs to know and trust that “what she hears and sees will be what she consistently will get.” She might not always like what she hears and sees, but if you are consistent and reliable, then she’ll know she can trust you. Here are five key areas where you can practice consistency that will build emotional security.
- Be Consistent With Your Words: You can’t tell her you love her in a passionate moment and then call her a “bitch” when you’re angry and expect her to feel secure. Your words have power to cut her down or build her up. Consistently communicate to her that she is important, that she’s the only one, that you are not interested in anyone else, and that you love only her. Help her feel safe with your words by speaking kindness, love, and adoration even if you’re upset.
- Be Consistent With Your Listening: Communication goes both ways, but if she doesn’t feel heard, then she’s going to feel insecure. Listening without thinking about your retort is not only a skill but also an act of love. Likewise, to listen, really listen, to her without judgment and without defensiveness requires courage. As Winston Churchill said, “Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.”
- Be Consistent With Your Actions: Yes, words are important, but if your words and actions don’t line up, then you’re going to poison the trust. Trust is the foundation of security, and being inconsistent with your actions is lying through your conduct. Security is formed when you do what you say you’re going to do, be where you say you’re gong to be when you say you’re going to be there, and follow through with your promises. You can’t say you’ll be home at 6:00 and show up at 8:30 expecting her to want to jump into bed with you. Consistency with your actions also means that you don’t hide things from her. Don’t hide text messages, emails, or details about your day. Even if you think she will be mad at you, it’s better to have her upset than it is for her not to trust you.
- Be Consistent With Your Truth: Your truth is your virtues and values. If she sees you go back on your truth, you will break trust. If she sees you tell a white lie to your mother, she’ll expect that one day you’ll also lie to her. If she sees you being mean to the check-out clerk, she’ll wonder when that anger will one day be unleashed on her. Your truth is your word, your bond, and the essence of your values. Be constant with your truth, and she will see you as a foundation she can rely on.
- Be Consistent With Your Commitments: Even if your commitments impinge on her needs, she will respect you if you are constant with your commitments. For example, if you made a commitment to someone but it unknowingly conflicts with her needs, don’t change your plans. If you go against your commitments, she will likely lose respect for you. Sure, she’s not going to like it, but it will give her confidence that you can stand up to her and therefore also stand up for her. By standing up to her, she knows you will also be able to stand up to other women who might try to lure you away.
Building emotional security takes time and considerable effort. Focus on creating emotional security through consistency in your words, listening, actions, truth, and commitments and see if it doesn’t improve your relationships and the quality of your sex life.