You text him. He texts you back. You text him back. You never hear from him again. Why? Because you said something too clingy, too desperate, too real. You expressed interest in someone and they rejected you like you were nothing.
But why? A human in isolation has a life expectancy of about two decades less than normal. And humans also seem to have an allergy to human connection. We can’t be alone but we can’t love too deeply either.
But not you. You’re special. You’re an open wound. You cut yourself deep to the bone and it hurts every time someone touches your raw insides. You love so deeply, so purely and so often that you’re completely immolated because the most difficult thing to be in this world is sensitive.
You let everyone in. You let everyone you meet put a little crack in your heart. You’re loyal beyond measure, you’re caring and compassionate. You’re so fiercely protective of your friends and your family that you forget to protect yourself sometimes and that really hurts. But you don’t know how to be another way. You’d never forgive yourself if you hurt someone. This world is already so painful. You couldn’t live with yourself if you caused someone else even more pain.
And yet it keeps happening. You find someone you like, you tell them and they disappear. It seems so simple too you, so obvious. You want to find someone to fall in love with, someone who knows you. You want someone to be around when you’re scared, when you’re feeling vulnerable or sad. You want someone to do things with, who’s always your first choice. You want a partner to support you and love you when you’re not too in love with yourself. You want one person to create memories with so you don’t have to keep starting over and kissing a million unworthy frogs.
But it’s so hard. Why? Why don’t other people want to feel your love? Why don’t they want to feel protected and safe and secure with someone like you. Someone who’s decided they want love and so they’ve trained themselves their entire lives to love completely and intensely. Your love is unwavering and once you’ve given it, you’ve given it forever. You have so many ghosts walking around the halls of your heart that it’s so hard to get a moment of silence sometimes. You hear the voices of those that were unable to love you back whispering, trying to break you.
And maybe you’re broken already. Maybe you were born with a broken heart. But maybe that’s okay. You’ll always keep loving and loving and loving until it kills you. You may be alone for a little while but the silence of comfortable solitude is so much sweeter than the silence of being emotionally shut out by the person you’re with.
The hardest thing to be in this word is sensitive but that doesn’t mean you’re soft.
Someone Who Understands