We all have a dark side.
We all have secrets. Although some of us have mild secrets — like how you’re the one who never replaces the toilet paper in your office bathroom — others of us have awful, terrifying, stay-up-all-night types of secrets. You know, like MURDER! I kid! (No, I totally don’t… or do I?)
But the best thing about secrets is that even the ones you THINK you’re taking to the grave, don’t always remain mum. Just a shift of your eyes or the right amount of sweat on your brow and suddenly everything is revealed, just like with your horoscope.
What’s your most horrible secret? Well, maybe you don’t even know… yet. But if we take a look at astrology, the secrets of each zodiac sign will come to light. So get ready to have your mind blown.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
Your most horrible secret: You have never, ever, in all your life, won anything fairly. You have, no matter the situation, cheated your way through everything. You’d even cheat while playing Candy Land against your own kid… if you had a kid.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Your most horrible secret: You firmly believe you’re the best-looking person you know. Actually, not just the best-looking person you know, but the best looking person you’ve ever seen. So much so that you feel bad for Scarlett Johansson because she’ll never be as gorgeous as you. Poor Scarlett.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Your most horrible secret: You dump people for the most superficial reasons on Earth. Sure, you may tell your friends that you dumped that last guy because he didn’t text you back or didn’t really have his sh*t together, but the truth is, you dumped him because you didn’t approve of his record collection, considering it “too mainstream.” The guy before that? You dumped him because he had boxers from Old Navy. You superficial jerk!
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
Your most horrible secret: You don’t like any of your friends. Seriously. You actually find yourself at parties wondering how the hell these assh*les slithered their way into your life. Although you’ve debated cutting ties with some of them, you’ve realized that hating them provides some sort of sick satisfaction, so you just keep them around.
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
Your most horrible secret: You are jealous of everyone. It doesn’t matter what someone has or doesn’t have, you are jealous of them. And this jealousy runs so deep that you’ve often thought of ways to get your hands on the things you want. You even contemplated kicking someone down the stairs for it. Get control, woman!
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
Your most horrible secret: You’ve never once made a compliment and meant it. Every compliment you’ve made your entire life has been a total lie. Case in point: When your BFF asked you how she looked on her wedding day, you, naturally, told her she was gorgeous. But deep down? Deep down, where the truth hides, you thought she looked somewhere between the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man and Jabba the Hutt dressed up as a snowman.
LIBRA (September 23 to October 22)
Your most horrible secret: You’re a callous manipulator — and you know it. Oh, and you’re also proud of it. You can talk anyone into or out of anything and will do so if it benefits you. Also, the worst part about you is you don’t even feel bad about your manipulation skills. If anything, you’re so proud that it kills you that you can’t brag about this wonderfully, horrible secret.
SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
Your most horrible secret: Honestly, you have too many horrible secrets. So, on that note, just try to pretend to be human and care, okay? The rest of us will do our best to stay away from you.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
Your most horrible secret: You once robbed someone. Or was it a mugging? You’re not really sure what it counts as. All you know is that, even though you didn’t need the cash, you wanted to see what it would feel like to steal from someone, so you did. But as someone who’s relatively peaceful at heart, the “gun” in your pocket was actually just your finger.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
Your most horrible secret: You believe in cold-hearted revenge in a way that no other sign does. Your idea of revenge is so cruel, so heartless, yet so meticulous that you’ve committed dozens and dozens of vengeful acts and no one has ever figured out it was you. In fact, your former best friend who kissed your boyfriend still has no idea who replaced her shampoo with hair removal cream. Hmm, wonder who could have done that?
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
Your most horrible secret: You’ve slept with most of your friends’ partners. Your rationale, if we can even call it that, is that all is fair in love and war, and you only come around this way once. But in your defense, if the sex is bad, you never go back for round two, so that’s something.
PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
Your most horrible secret: You lie for sympathy. You are that person who, if a coworker comes into the office crying about how their cat died, you one-up them by saying your brother died — and you don’t even have a brother. If you see an opportunity to lie so you can get some sympathy, you’ll do it. You don’t really have a reason for it, but you have found that, in addition to pity, you usually get a free meal out of it.