It’s been months. But here I am, still nursing the same feeling that I started to have for you months ago. Because the unfortunate truth is, it hasn’t changed. Just a little more intense now, maybe, but yes, I still feel the same. It’s like a stubborn stain on my clothes that just won’t go away no matter how much bleaching solution I pour into it. Like a persistent problem that has no solution. An absolute fact, an undeniable truth, it is.
I met you in the most unexpected, unremarkable moment. But right then and there, I just knew that you were everything I ever wanted. The very man any woman could ever hope for. I was content with loneliness then. But when you came into my life, my dormant heart stirred and sprang to life. And suddenly, that longing feeling that I worked so hard to keep down in the deep recesses of my mind found a way out, engulfing me, helplessly encasing me. So I let myself succumb to that unfathomable affection I had (and still have) for you. I made the most foolish decision of allowing myself to fall.
But you won’t let me love you.
So I scrambled to pull myself together. I knew I was falling into an abyss, so I struggled to find something to hold onto, in an attempt to prevent myself from falling further. I groped in the dark for something to grasp, until I could find a small ray of light that would lead me back to reality.
I never thought that I could feel this strongly for someone I barely knew.There’s always been a soft spot in my heart, and it has always been my weakness. My vulnerability. And you’ve managed to hit it in just a single strike. I was shattered yet again. Knowing that what I feel for you will always be unreciprocated is like an arrow that pierces through my heart over and over. It’s painful. Who wants rejection, after all?
But even after all that pain, I knew that I must keep going. So, mustering all the strength I knew I had in me, I put the pieces of my broken heart back together, moved on, and reconciled myself with the fact that we can only ever be friends.
Yes, friendship is the only bargain that I can have with you.
I still like you, but now I have learned to keep my raging emotions at bay. How many times have I deluded myself with far-fetched imaginations and concocted visions of you and me? But every now and then I have to slap myself back to the reality that we can never be. Snapping out of my reverie has been difficult, because for some reason, thoughts of you have become my solace. But I keep reminding myself every single day that what we have will never go further.
I still like you, but I have accepted the fact that you will never feel the same way, and to allow myself to really fall for you is a grave mistake. I’ve learned to stash away even the slightest bit of hope that would spring anew. Because, maybe, I’m just way too complicated to be loved. And maybe, just maybe, being friends is about the best thing that could happen to us.
Despite it all, I want to thank you for allowing this friendship to continue. I want you to know that you are a wonderful person, that that’s the very reason why I deeply admire you. And maybe I can just continue to admire you from a distance. Months may have already passed since I first met you, and the months to come may be full of uncertainties, but one thing is for sure: I will always be a good friend to you.
By Leizel Agregado for ThoughtCatalog