When you know it’s toxic but can’t leave it’s like you’re fighting a battle with yourself. You’re constantly torn between knowing what’s right and doing what you want. The battle starts when you realize those are two different things. You know you don’t deserve to be treated like this, but you know that you love this person too much to let them go.
When you know it’s toxic but can’t leave it’s like you’re running back into an open fire, despite being burned so many times. You hear the desperate pleas of your loved ones. You hear the voices in your head begging you to run away. However, all it takes is the small, faint whisper of your heart to convince you to stay. You keep running back, hoping that this time it will be different. This time, things will really change.
When you know it’s toxic but can’t leave, it feels like you’re playing a game. You want so badly for your beloved to go against the odds, to prove everyone wrong. You want them to show up for you because you know who they really are and you want those around you to love them as much as you do. However, they never do and you’re stuck waiting for something that will never happen.
When you know it’s toxic, you are aware of all the manipulation, the emotional abuse, the lies, the game. Yet you stay. You stay because you hope this person will change one day. Everyone else thinks you’re wasting your time, but you don’t. You know the kind of person this is. You’ve seen glimpses of how wonderful they are. You wait hoping that that version will prevail. But it never does.
When you know it’s toxic but can’t leave, you’re only hurting yourself. You’re hurting yourself by lying to yourself that one day, they will show up for you. One day they will magically transform into the person you want them to me, but that’s not how change works. You hurt those around you by clinging on to the idea of someone. But that’s all it is: an idea. It’s not reality. The reality is that you are in love with someone who doesn’t care if you are hurting. They don’t care if they break your heart, time and time again. They don’t care if the light in your eyes is slowly dimming out. All you’re doing is sacrificing your sanity, heart, emotions, and mental stability for the temporary high you experience when they decide to love you.
When you know it’s toxic but don’t leave, you are choosing a path of self-destruction.