When a toxic relationships ends it’s always on their terms. Toxic relationships have one thing in common, the love for one person and one person only.
They revolve around the giving and taking and seeing how if affects the other person. We fixate on these people swearing it’s love but in reality, it’s the love we are pining after that they refuse to give us. Toxic relationships are all about getting you hooked and keeping you around and watching every move you make is because of something they’ve done.
Suddenly you are addicted to these highs and lows and twists and turns and saying one thing and doing another. What you don’t see is the affect it really has on you getting yourself involved in a relationship like this. It’s completely self-destructive and you don’t even see it. But everyone else around you does.
It’s the coming and going. It’s the games. It’s making your head spin every which way. It’s the inconsistency of treating you well one moment then like shit the next. Spoiling you only to ignore you. Making these elaborate plans only to cancel. Keep tabs on you when they know you’re out and saying exactly what they need to, to ruin whatever night you are having. Because if you aren’t with them, they’ll make sure you don’t have a good night.
Anyone who has a pattern of dating people like this get obsessed with all of this. Pulling you in just to push you away. It’s kind of like a high in a way. They pull away you try harder. You pull away they lure you back in with coy words and actions that never come through. With toxic relationships, it’s all about power and who has it. And no matter what move you make, this person knows how to regain power over you at any time.
But then it ends. Suddenly you feel like you’re falling apart. And everyone says you’re better off without this person but you don’t even see it that way. All you feel is this pain and missing them in the good moments you forget about the bad.
When a relationship ends where the foundation was built on confusion, you never actually know if the ending is real or if the person will come waltzing back into your life.
You think about every good thing and that’s what you focus on, the good moments without taking into consideration all those times you were crying yourself to sleep over them switching to neglect. How easily you forget the times they canceled. The plans that fell through. The times they didn’t show up. The times they ignored you. With someone who is toxic, you channel your brain into only thinking about the good times. Your emotional connection to them makes you see the relationship through rose colored lenses. But your friends on the only hand, hold to all the bad moments and they don’t forget it.
Toxic people are very good at manipulating you. They may say one kind thing or act in a way but then it’s immediately followed by mistreatment. The first actions justify their second but all you’re thinking is, “what the fuck.” And that’s exactly what they want you thinking.
The thing about toxic people is they are never sure of anything. They can never give you a solid answer. Their word isn’t something you can rely on when they are constantly changing their tune. Uncertain would be the best word to describe someone toxic. They constantly keep you guessing and wondering and trying too hard. So when they leave part of you thinks it’s a real goodbye the other part of you thinks, it’s just another circle you are running in.
But when a toxic person walks away from you or you find the strength to walk away yourself, understand that toxic people are like drug addictions. In order to ever fully be clean of them, you have to rid yourself of them entirely. And I know it hurts. I know you miss them. I know you don’t think you’ll meet someone who will give you such adrenaline rush in a relationship. But what you don’t realize yet is healthy relationships aren’t supposed to be like that. Healthy relationships aren’t about giving and taking. It isn’t about someone caring more. It isn’t about control.
So when you lose a toxic relationship and you think you are the one that’s lost something, remember what you actually gained. Even if it feels like you’ve lost yourself to this relationship. Because love isn’t toxic. Someone hurting you isn’t right. Someone using you to fill voids in their own lives will never make them whole. And it isn’t your job to make them whole at the cost of breaking yourself to get them there.
By Kirsten Corley for ThoughCatalog