At times, I wish I could go back in time and just tell myself to make some compromise.
It’s difficult and it can get very overwhelming but I’m forced to face the music. Every single day since we’ve parted, I’ve been caught in limbo. I’ve lost myself and I find it incredibly hard to get out and find myself again. It’s very surreal to know that our lives have diverged and that we are no longer walking on the same road at the sound of the same drum. We knew even before we started things that we were completely different people. We had different dreams and ambitions, but we loved each other, and we thought that love would be enough to make things work despite our differences. Instead, we’re left here. Love wasn’t enough after all, and now here we are, living out our individual lives as we did before we got together.
It’s painful to swallow because as much as we want to believe that love should be enough to fix any problems in the world, the sad reality is just otherwise. Love isn’t always going to be enough, and perhaps, we weren’t just meant to be. Despite this crushing truth, it’s still very much difficult to accept.
At times, I wish I could go back in time and just tell myself to make some compromise. Maybe I could have convinced myself to make some amendments to my notions of ambition. Perhaps, if I changed who I was and what I wanted out of life, we would still be together now; working on life as a team. Or maybe, if I changed who I was, I wouldn’t have remained the person you fell in love with in the first place. These are the kinds of thoughts that keep me up at night. These are the ideas that continue to wrack my brain because while on the outside, I may look like I’m fine, deep down, I’m not. I will be okay eventually. I know that. However, for now I am not.
As perfectly rational individuals, we decided that it would be better for us to forge our own paths and pursue our own individual passions on our own. We figured out that a relationship would only get in the way of each other’s dreams and that perhaps would serve as a source of resentment for each other. We didn’t want to let it get to that point, and so maybe I should rejoice at our maturity. Perhaps I should be happy at how our separation was mutual, and that it was a necessary step that the both of us had to make if we were to go on and follow our dreams. For now, I am comforted by the idea that maybe sometimes, we don’t necessarily get a happy-ever-after with the person we love because life has other plans for us. Maybe our storybook ending has yet to be written, and life is planning a much grander conclusion to our narrative.
At any rate, we shouldn’t discount the possibility of finding love again in the future. Perhaps our divergent roads will allow us to encounter love in the places we least expected; a love that is much greater, more valuable, and more endearing. Or even yet, I go as far as to boldly say that perhaps our divergent roads are temporary, and perhaps we will meet again in the future. Maybe our story hasn’t ended; maybe our story is just a little more complicated than we initially thought. The possibilities are endless, and we both should be excited. Perhaps on our separate courses of life, we will manage to find the happiness that we could never find when we were together. Maybe we find a love that will come out stronger than the kind of love that we shared on our best days. Perhaps it would be best for us to move on with the realization that staying together was a compromise of our ideals. Maybe if we stayed together, we unknowingly settled for mediocrity. Our love didn’t deserve any semblance of mediocrity at all.
For the moment, I am absolutely heartbroken. I am devastated that the storybook didn’t have the ending I wanted, nor was it written in the way that I initially thought. However, while devastation continues to wreak its havoc in my heart, I am comforted at the idea of hope. I remain hopeful that happiness will find me in the end and will manage to drive away all the darkness in my life. I am content knowing that I still get the opportunity to find the love that was deprived of us both. I am elated at the thought of running into my prince charming in the future, whoever he is.
It’s difficult, but then again, that’s life. It wasn’t meant to be easy, nor is anything ever promised to us. We have to continually make sacrifices to ensure our own happiness in the end. At the end of the day, while darkness has filled my soul, there is a flame that persists. This is the flame of possibility; the possibility for a happier tomorrow.