Sexless is not Loveless

I’ve never been a very sexually charged person. I lost my virginity when I was nearly 18, though all my friends had been enjoying sex for years before that point. My sex drive always tapered off at around the six month mark after dating someone. It bothered me a lot. Sometimes I blamed my parents lack of affection for this phenomena I experienced time after time in my romantic relationships. We become a product of what we see, right? If my parents rarely ever kissed or touched each other, I would come to believe that was the norm.

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy sex thoroughly in the beginning of every relationship. I feel like the senses are heightened, my partners are caring more about how they look, and smell and act. But once we both get comfortable, the “drive” tends to disappear.

After all the sex drive disappearances, and all the inevitable breakups from said disappearances- I vowed to find “the one” who makes my sex drive stick around. One spring night, in Austin Texas, I found “the one”. We started off dating long distance and then after he moved closer, we continued our courtship. Everything was great in the beginning as things usually are, but then after about 8 months the taper off started happening. Due to experience, I know I love this man- just as I am aware I lose my sex drive quite often. I became very adamant about finding out why this happens to me or ways to get it back because I want to be with this man forever and I know it can’t be his fault my mojo left me again.

I asked numerous friends for advice and was always struck down by their answer, “he’s just not the one”. This time I refused to believe it. I asked my doctor, she thought maybe it was a vitamin D deficiency- OBVIOUSLY it’s a vitamin D deficiency (okay crude I know). I listened to Podcasts about “sex-less relationships”. I asked my general practitioner, who agreed that antidepressants can take away libido, but its always there in the beginning so it couldn’t be that! I asked countless therapists during my one on one sessions. Most of them agreed it’s frustrating, but only one said, “some people just aren’t having sex”. The words shocked me. Could it be true? In a culture that sells products off sexual innuendos, are some people simply not having sex? Do they live happy lives? Are they satisfied? How do they get pregnant-is the two times a year enough to make a family (two times a year, not an exaggeration one year went by and we had sex a total of two times).

Dumbfounded by this idea that not everyone is having sex, I started to look at the relationships around me in a different light. I started to see, that while people are having sex- it just may not be everyday. They may not even have sex but once a week, or once a month. Maybe people have sex during special occasions, or maybe they don’t. I came to realize that my partner and I have a private sex life that not everyone needs to know about. I realized that it is okay to not have all the sex we think everyone around us is having.

Some takeaways from this that have really helped us out in our “sex-less” relationship are:

  • Not talking about it can do one of two things: take away the pressure and make it happen, or take away all thoughts about it and throw us deeper into a dry spell. Sometimes it is important to let your partner know that you are craving sex from them.
  • We are snubbing each other nightly. If you want something intimate to happen you need to put down your phone. Social media will be there when your 15 minutes is up!
  • Putting in an effort to be your best never goes out of style. Sometimes you need to put your best foot forward even if it is years later and you are used to living together watching netflix in your PJ’s all evening.
  • We do learn how to love from those around us, so choose who’s love you want to emulate.
  • Your sex life is YOURS; not your friend’s, not your family’s, but yours alone. You do not need to let people know how much or how little sex you truly have. As long as you are happy and satisfied you are having enough sex.