She knows she should raise her standards. She knows she deserves better. She knows she shouldn’t care about someone like you, someone who walked away without taking a glance behind. She knows she should say screw you and move on with her life.
But even though she knows she has to put you in her past for her own good, even though she realizes there is never going to be a future with you, she still cares about you. She still sit up some nights, wondering where you are and what you are doing. She still thinks about texting you. She still checks your social media. She still wants the best for you.
Of course, she will never let you see how much she still cares, because she doesn’t want you to know what an impact you have had on her. She doesn’t want you to realize she is the one who cares more. She doesn’t want to look like she is still hung up on you when she knows you are already over her.
That is why she will act like she is unbothered when you run into her in public. That is why she will delete you from social media or simply ignore your posts. That is why she barely even mentions your name to her friends anymore.
She acts like she couldn’t care less about you, because she knows that is the way it is supposed to be.
She is supposed to feel sick when she hears your name because you broke her heart. She is supposed to wish you were miserable because she is miserable without you. She is supposed to think less of you now that you have proved what kind of person you are.
But none of those things are the reality. She never stopped caring about you, even once it was clear you had stopped caring about her.
If anything, she stopped caring about herself. She stopped eating right. She stopped waking up early. She stopped treating herself with affection because she was too busy trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with her, what caused you to leave, what she did wrong.
She knows she should be pissed about you leaving, but she is only hurt by what you’ve done. She knows she should think you are an asshole, but she is still thinking highly of you. She knows she should hate you for what you’ve done, but she only hates herself for letting it happen.
She never stopped caring about you, even after you left. Even after you proved you cannot be trusted. Even after you made it clear you were a horrible match for her. Even after you gave her every reason to hate your guts.
She never stopped caring about you, because once she grows attached to someone, she has a hard time letting go. She has trouble seeing that the other person was wrong and that she did nothing to deserve what happened to her. Nothing at all.
By Holly Riordan for ThoughtCatalog