Today I got in the car after a horrendous day and all I could do was cry. My best friend is giving me the silent treatment and my softball coach won’t play me. Minor things, I know, but in my head, it all felt like too much.
It felt like the whole world was crumbling down around me and I was stuck in the midst of the rubble.
One of my best friends. The sport I want more than anything to be good at. It all felt like it was being ripped away from me. It felt like everything had been ruined with one day.
Now, here’s the thing — I try as much as humanly possible to deal with this stuff on my own. I try not to be that girl who cries all the time. There are just days when anxiety becomes too much for me to handle. Today was one of those days.
Sometimes the constant stress and fear that everyone will eventually leave becomes my identity. I’m no longer Vicky. In my mind, I am destined to be left again. In an ironically twisted series of events I end up pulling away from those I feel are mad/sad/annoyed. Naturally, I assume it’s my fault. I spend all day racking my brain. What did you do this time? Seriously, again…? Can you just not make people stay?
Anxiety makes everything that goes wrong my fault. Every time someone is in a bad mood, I feel responsible. Every time I see a friend get mad, I assume it’s at me. Every time I have an off day, I believe it’s the beginning of a downward spiral.
I’ve been here before, and yet I seem to make the same wrong decision every time. You see, this happens to me a lot. It’s actually the main way I feel my anxiety on a day-to-day basis. Every time I pull away and end up doing something that makes no sense — that is, after a good cry.
I analyze. It’s what I do. It’s what I’ve been trained to do by the monster that is anxiety. As you could imagine that causes a great deal of heartache. A look, to me, is not just a look. A huff, to me, is not just a huff.
So what do I do? I’ve been in this exact situation more times than I can count, and it just keeps happening. Maybe this time will be different. Probably not.