After breaking up with someone, it’s completely natural to not know who the hell you are anymore, what makes you tick and what planet you actually live on. The world instantly becomes a much darker and scarier place and you have absolutely no idea what direction your life is heading in. That life you had mapped out in your head with that one person, now no longer exists and you find yourself completely lost and confused with your own identity.
After two long and very intense relationships, I was left feeling like an empty shell. This time last year, I couldn’t even tell you what my favourite song was, movie I liked or what my favourite colour was. It was weird because after my break-ups, I felt so incredibly numb inside and out…I couldn’t function properly, watch anything on the TV or listen to any music without breaking down in to floods of tears! This sounds awfully bizarre but if you had asked me what my ex’s favourite things were in the whole wide world, I could reel them all off to a tee.
You see, when you have incredibly low self-esteem and you are hopelessly devoted to someone who appears to be passionate about all areas of their life, it is not unusual to adopt your partners passions too. You may go as far as engage in activities you simply detest just to please your partner. You may even go as far as losing your entire identity because you are far too scared of losing them! Bonkers, right? Yes, however, it’s amazing how far people will go and what they will put up with for that little thing called love.
By doing this, you will lead a false, insecure and unfilled life. By allowing your entire identity and requirements to be lost for the sake of someone else or others, it’s no wonder that we become completely alienated once our partner disappears.
So, what makes us do this in the first place?
Well, this could be down to a number of factors. When you have low self-esteem and near to zero confidence, you become more susceptible to try to please others for a false sense of esteem without any regards for your own needs. This doesn’t apply to just relationships, this could also apply to friendships too. The longer we suppress our needs and desires, the unhappiest we become in the long run. When we lose someone, we love as a result of our hidden identity, we become confused, isolated and we question our self-worth.
So, what can we do about it?
Always be true and honest with yourself and others, build on your self-esteem and confidence. Find out exactly what makes you tick and learn to say no to things you don’t want to do. Your truest of friends will stick around no matter what and encourage you on your recovery to re-discover you. You may lose people as a result whilst working on your identity and some may be unkind towards you because their needs are no longer met over yours. Don’t worry about those people because they are not helping you on your recovery and are not worthy of your time or energy. Once you start to pick up again and engage in the things that you do enjoy, you will meet new people too who will enjoy the same things you do. Eventually when the time is right for you, you will meet someone who will love you for who you are and because you have discovered your identity again and your self-worth, you will no longer feel afraid to lose someone again because you have identified your needs.
After a break up, it’s entirely natural so feel some sense of grief afterwards and you will be left with a huge void in your life. It’s important to try to fill that void with things that you enjoy and take as much time as you require to work on yourself. If you are unsure as to what you enjoy because you are so wrapped up in heartache, writing a journal to identify what you used to like before things started to deteriorate can help as can talking things through with a therapist. It’s important not to isolate yourself completely and try and avoid engaging in unhealthy activities such as drinking alcohol to numb your pain, this will not aid you on your recovery, it will only make things worse. Surround yourself with as much love as possible and more importantly, work on loving yourself again.
By Victoria Jane for Her Blog