First, it’s because you didn’t give me any choice but to. I fought hard. I wanted to fight even harder but this is not a one-man army. Being in a relationship is not a one-man army. I could have stayed if you just asked me to. I could have waited for you to make up your mind and you know that. You knew that but still, you decided to leave.
Second, it’s because you’re not the same anymore; to me, at least. You’re not the same old guy who would be willing to talk to me for hours, on end. You’re not the same guy who would blush at the very thought of us being together. You’re not the same guy who’d go through tough waters just to see me smile. You’re not that guy anymore and I cannot keep loving a figment of the guy you once were.
Third, it’s because I will keep on hurting if I don’t (and yes, it is as selfish as it sounds). I keep rewinding our memories just so I can figure out what went wrong. Was I not enough? Is what we had even real or were all of those just pieces of you playing pretend? I wonder how many times you wished I was someone else, someone far more beautiful, more talented, more suitable for you. Someone you may have already met, someone from your past or maybe someone you wished you could trade me for.
And lastly, I have to move on because when the time comes you find that someone, that another person that you would actually want to spend your time with, when you find the person that makes you want to settle down, when you find the person that teaches you how to love with every fiber of your being on the line: I want to be happy for you. I want to be able to look at your eyes, with a curve on my lips and tell you that I’m truly and sincerely happy for whatever you have now. I want to be able to tell you that yes, our past hurt me but more than that, it has taught me so many things. But I can’t say those words to you if I haven’t moved on yet.
I can’t be happy for you right now when every thread and every strand of my being, is still aching to be with you despite everything that happened.
By Louise Padillo for ThoughtCatalog