If you can’t get a guy to chase you, you won’t succeed in today’s dating world.
Like it or not, the chase isn’t just something men enjoy. It’s something coded to their DNA, fundamental to building and keeping attraction.
But before we all start ranting about how messed up that is, let’s be honest. You love the chase, too. If a nice guy walked right up to you and served himself to you on a silver relationship platter, you’d be bored out of your brain cells.
It’s coded into all of us. A law of the universe. That which has true value, requires work.
If someone walks up to your door and offers you a million dollars, you don’t get excited.
If someone claiming to be Channing Tatum messages asking you out, you’re not wondering when the date is.
And if an overseas ‘investor’ emails you about a rich prince’s fortune you’ve just inherited, you don’t start planning how to spend your share. You just think “What’s the catch?”
Everything obeys the law: That which has true value, requires work.
A man wants to chase.
He wants to feel like he’s the only guy in the world that could have won you. That it was his unique blend of charm and charisma. It’s how he feels secure that you won’t totter off to the next guy with a hint of basic suave.
And if you’re honest, you want to chase, too. You want to know he wasn’t just looking for a relationship with anyone – that it was you, and only you – who turned his swinging bachelor ways into a committed partner. That’s how you can feel secure with him.
Ok. So chasing is important. Now, how do you get the guy to do that?
I could give you tricks to spark his interest. I could show you how to passively fake disinterest.
And it will work. He’ll chase you.
But it’ll be temporary. He’ll chase you until he’s got you, before he realizes it was all a façade – that you’re not really the high value woman you made out to be. He’ll tire and leave as that reality sinks in.
Instead, this is how to do it for real. It might be a little harder, but it’ll be permanent.
Here’s how – without playing hard to get – you can get a guy to chase you for all the right reasons.
Build a high-quality, exciting life.
Here’s the deal.
You can ignore everything else I write in this article if you get this right.
Men chase and commit to women whose world they want to become a part of.
It’s that simple.
The more passionate you are, the more exciting your world, and the more you are embracing the wonderful thing that is life, the more you can throw the dating textbooks out the window. Men will chase you, without you ever doing anything.
Almost every piece of good dating advice comes back to personal growth – and this one is the jewel in the crown.
Any woman can generate physical attraction and have a man want to sleep with her.
But the high-quality woman that men chase endlessly knows her real attraction isn’t physical. She works on herself and builds a life she loves, rather than focusing on how she looks or how men perceive her. In doing so, she radiates the confidence of a woman who knows any man would be lucky to join her as a boyfriend.
If you want to consistently have high-quality men chasing you – push your comfort zone, confront your fears, and build the high-quality life you dream of. It’s a rare woman who does that, and men know it.
Don’t stop being single.
A lot of single women are in a hurry not to be single.
It’s ironic that, as a dating coach, much of my time is spent teaching women NOT to jump into commitment.
Being single is the most empowering phase of your life.
When you’re single, you can work on yourself, without interference. You have time to build your dreams. But most importantly – you can still choose your Mr. Right – the biggest decision you will ever make, period.
Women in a hurry to stop being single push for commitment – sometimes in just a couple of dates – with the first decent guy they find themselves attracted to. Not only do they give up the empowerment of being single, without adequate information, to a virtual stranger, they’ve now engineered a situation where they’re doing all the chasing.
The guy asks himself, “Why would a woman who has built a high-quality, exciting life be so keen to escape it?”
His answer follows the law. That, which has true value, takes work.
In other words: “She wouldn’t.”
Men instinctively know women who are hard to get out of single life are women worth chasing.
This isn’t playing hard to get. This is just being so damn happy in the life you’ve built that you don’t want to leave it for a guy you don’t know well.
Raise your standards for love.
Critics often tell me, “By telling women to stay single, you’re telling them to go against their feelings for a man, which is the definition of playing games.”
If your feelings are telling you to commit after a very short time, then those feelings are not in your best interest. Emotional maturity means knowing when your emotions are leading you astray.
But you don’t have to change the feelings; just raise your standards.
We don’t know a person in two dates. We barely know them in five.
Don’t ignore your feelings. Just accept that they’re not serving you in the long-term goal of finding the right partner, and raise your standards. Raise the amount you need to know about a guy and the investment you require before you consider him ‘boyfriend material’
When you raise your standards, you’re taking a ‘wait and see’ approach. You’re saying that, no matter who he is and how many fireworks are going off inside you, the value and opportunity of being single won’t be sacrificed for a man you hardly know.
You’re waiting for him to prove himself – to do more than the basics most women expect before you see him as ‘boyfriend material’. He’ll be surprised by your emotional maturity and self-worth, and he’ll chase.
Don’t give him boyfriend benefits if he’s not your boyfriend.
Contrary to popular belief, men love being in relationships.
They love the companionship. They love having an empathetic supporter after a bad day. They love the safety and security of knowing you’re not out there playing the field.
But there’s a saying. “Why buy the cow if you can have the milk for free?”
It’s true.
But most people relate it to sex. It has nothing to do with sex.
If you think sex is the best thing you have to offer, you’re underestimating how much men love relationships.
What I’m talking about is much more important to men, and much more valuable.
It’s the comfort of your emotional support, as his girlfriend, when he needs it.
It’s the security of knowing you aren’t seeing other guys.
It’s the excitement of you sending him some cheeky photos when he wants them.
And it’s the safety of knowing you’re aren’t getting wild on your Friday nights without him.
These are the real benefits of being in a relationship. Security. Intimacy. Comfort. And men know it.
Men love relationships because of the benefits they provide, and they’ll chase hard to get them. Give these benefits away for free and you’ll wind up being used for them.
Judge him only on his actions towards you.
Many women chase men who have done absolutely nothing to earn it.
(For the love of God, don’t get me started on The Bachelor.)
Don’t get me wrong; these men are usually attractive. They’re rich or they’re successful or they have abs. General attractiveness is a good start. Worthy of a flirt – certainly.
But it’s his actions towards you that make him worthy of chasing.
If you want high-quality men to chase you, judge them relative to their actions towards you.
If he’s a tall, handsome doctor, who doesn’t respond to your text message, then he’s a tall, handsome doctor, who isn’t worth chasing – period.
Too many women see the general attractiveness of guys like this and aren’t willing to drop them on their asses the way they would ordinary guys. They judge his attractiveness irrespective of his effort.
If you want a high-quality man to chase, your attraction to him should be directly proportional to his effort towards you, no matter how tall, dark, handsome or wealthy he is.
Be willing to walk if he drops the ball.
Remember that high-quality, exciting life you built?
If you want to get chased, uphold your standards to the point you’re willing to go back to it, even if you like a guy.
Not to say it wouldn’t pain you to do so, but your self-respect, ultimately, always comes first.
When you put your standards and your self-respect first, something magical happens. You filter into your life men who abide by them, respect you for them, and make a life’s work of living up to them.
And you filter out guys who can’t manipulate you into doing things their way.
Believe me. Men can sense this stuff.
Even if he’s that tall, attractive doctor, who put in the work to chase you and win you, he should still feel deep down that if he were to ever cheat on you, abuse you, mistreat you, or otherwise take advantage of you, you’d be willing to walk back to your gifted single life.
It sounds easier than it is. Could you do it?
If you can, then you’ve found the secret to getting a guy to chase you.
Build a life you love. Raise your standards. Judge him on his efforts directly and don’t give him boyfriend benefits he hasn’t earned. Ultimately, men chase quality women, who set themselves apart in every aspect of their lives.
Be that woman, and you’ll never have to play hard to get again.
By Mark Rosenfeld for ThoughtCatalog