You’re trying to be strong, I know you are. But after you go home from putting on a fake smile in front of your friends you lie in bed at night and you can’t stop your mind from wandering to him. You can’t help but think of him and wish things didn’t become so messy and complicated. You wonder where the love went wrong and how things got to be this bad.
I get it, the pain in your heart and the emptiness you feel surrounding you.
You’re staring at your phone typing out long messages just to erase them. You’re following his every move on social media. You’re letting him completely consume you and it’s slowly killing you.
He’s not the man you fell in love with anymore and you don’t know when he became someone you didn’t know but you so desperately want to get him back. You want things to go back to the way they used to be.
You want him to see that his behavior and actions are wrong, but he won’t. He’s looking for someone else to blame, to take his anger and his problems out on and unfortunately that person is you. You didn’t do anything wrong, you aren’t the root of his problems – he is, but he can’t accept that. He’s too stubborn to admit he’s wrong and he’s too much of a dick to apologize.
Guys like him don’t deserve girls like you. But you fell for him anyway, he showed you a sweet side and you couldn’t resist. He always used to be sweet, he used to care about you and do nice things for one then one day it just stopped. It was like a flick switched on when you realized that he doesn’t care about you the way you care about him anymore.
It’s become a one-sided relationship – he’s always making a mess and you’re on your hands and knees trying to clean it up.
You tried to fix things because that’s the type of person you are – always trying to fix what’s broken, always hanging on because your hearts too big. But he didn’t care. He didn’t put the effort in. He didn’t show you that you mattered anymore.
Every once in a while he brings that sweet side out and it’s what makes you fall again. It’s what reminds you of the good times, so you stay. You take him back, you believe him when he says things will be different this time then before you know it he’s back to calling you names and degrading you. He’s right back to where you left off.
And once again you’re left feeling hurt, confused, broken and he doesn’t care.
This time you tell yourself you’ll be strong, you won’t go back to him, you have a “fuck you” attitude towards him.
And you normally do go back because he’s your weakness, he’s been all you’ve known for so long and it’s scary to move forward without him. But this time you can’t go back. It’s getting dangerous and it’s unhealthy.
This time you have to stand your ground, you have to be strong even when you want to give in. You know he doesn’t deserve you. You know you deserve someone who actually gives a shit about you, but the fact of moving on without him is scary, but it’s a fear you have to face.
Don’t go back to him sweet girl, you’re so much better off without him. You’re so much braver, happier, stronger and more confident on your own. You have to stop regressing the progress you’re making. You need to let him go for good and I know how much easier said than done that is but I believe you can do it.
He doesn’t deserve you and he never has – don’t go back to him anymore. This has to be the end of the vicious cycle. You can do it.
By Becca Martin for ThoughtCatalog