The other day my friends and I were discussing the infamous topic of whether or not a girl should chase a guy she likes because we all love making these excuses that if he just spent a little more time with me, if he just saw me outside of work, the bar or whatever scene he’s used to seeing you in or if he just took the time to know the real me, maybe he’ll fall in love. Maybe he just needs to know that I like him enough to stay or keep up with him or understand his busy schedule or show him how much I’m chill and won’t pressure him into a relationship before he could be more invested.
At that moment I realized how ironic it is that when you listen to the thoughts in your head out loud, you understand how absurd they really are. Because on one hand, I want to believe that this guy needs more time with me to fall in love but on the other hand if he doesn’t want to make that time for me in the first place, what does that say?
Because chasing is not fun, not for me at least. I don’t enjoy waiting anxiously for a text back not knowing if it will make me smile or cry. I don’t enjoy setting up dates and confirming and feeling like I’m much more excited about seeing someone than they are about seeing me. I don’t enjoy coming up with things to talk to about all the time so the conversation doesn’t fizzle out. I don’t enjoy trying and trying and feeling like my efforts are never matched or met with the same fervor.
I don’t enjoy the chase. I don’t enjoy trying too hard for someone because it tells me that I’m trying to prove my worth to someone who’s already not seeing it. I’m trying to get someone to love the parts of me that I spent years building and working on. I’m trying too much for someone who doesn’t even try a little bit.
I like to think of relationships as friendships, I never had to work too hard to connect with my friends. We were meant to be friends so everything fell into place. We decided we want to be in each others’ lives so we made that happen. We called when we said we would. We planned hangouts that we showed up to. We took trips and traveled together because we all wanted to be in the same place. We check on each other because we genuinely care. We’re not keeping our friendship a secret from anyone. We’re not too worried about losing each other because we know our love is real. We didn’t chase each other. We found each other and decided to stick around.
And honestly, my friendships have always been stronger than my relationships simply because these people were meant to be in my life. I didn’t have to fight for them. I didn’t have to prove to them that I’m worthy of their love. I didn’t have to make excuses for them and their behavior or say they just need more time to know me better.
Because at a certain age, you kind of just know. You know who you want to spend more time with. Who you want in your life. Who you want to give more attention to. Who you want to get to know better because you think they’re great. So if someone doesn’t see or understand that, then chasing is not going to change anything. And sometimes chasing is a sign of a bigger problem you have, maybe you’re lonely, maybe you’re bored, maybe you just want something exciting in your life because that’s not how relationships work. It always takes two.
A person not seeing your worth is not an invitation to try to prove them wrong. It’s a sign that this person is not meant to be in your life because the ones who see your worth don’t need proof. They don’t need time. They show up and show you that you’re worth more than you think.
By Rania Naim for ThoughtCatalog