This is an apology letter to the both of us for how long it took me to let things go.
This is mainly an apology letter to myself, from myself, because I am responsible for the heartbreak I felt every single day. I felt my heart break every time I heard your name or Brand New would come on shuffle or when I would find you in people I tried so hard to replace you with. I broke my own heart. I broke my own heart when I would walk away with confidence but still look back every few seconds, just in case you decided this was the time you wanted to run after me.
I always write about “breaking your own heart.”
But with you, I did it twice.
Once because I had hope for you and twice when I decided I deserved more than just wishful thinking. Breaking your own heart should help benefit you. It should benefit your mental, physical and emotional health. Relationships are supposed to be fun and exciting. It should be natural and you should feel good about it. The person you are building a relationship with should not want to keep you a secret or vise versa. The person you are having a relationship with should not be terrified of the word relationship, if that is what you are doing. It is not okay to play boyfriend and girlfriend and get your emotional fix, but use “fear of commitment” as a cop out to be unfaithful to that person physically. The person you are in a relationship should not make you feel small or question your self worth.
When I broke my own heart for the second time, I started to fall in love with myself. I no longer felt the need to look for someone to come in and save the day. I found that I would brush a lot of things that I found morally wrong under the rug, out of fear of being alone. When I thought I needed you, I needed love. And when I started giving it to myself, I stopped making excuses for unacceptable behavior. I stopped letting men make me feel guilty for feeling the way I feel and I started to be more upfront when it came to demanding what I want out of a relationship, rather than water down what I really wanted to say. I started looking at it as, “This is what I’m okay with and not okay with. If you can give me what my soul craves, then great. If not, you’re standing in the way of someone who can.”
My advice to anyone who is currently battling an “almost” relationship is to demand what you really want.
Risk breaking your heart for a second time. Because you’re doing it already with wishful thinking, every time you make excuses for why they won’t go to your work Christmas party with you or why they won’t text you back. Demand what you want. If they can’t give you what you want, they are not ever going to give you what you want. They are not going to satisfy your whole being. Break your own heart. Delete their number and move on. As much as it hurts to face, you are not the one for them. If you were, they would find every excuse to get out of everything, in order to spend time with you….not find every excuse to get out of spending time with you.
When I started listening to my own advice and I started loving myself, I stumbled into someone who met every want and need I asked God for. And now, I realize that happened because of me. I stopped looking over my shoulder for you. I stopped looking over my shoulder for anybody. I was ready to love someone out of love and love alone—not loneliness or jealousy.
This is an apology letter to the both of us for how long it took me to let things go.
I really hope one day you fall in love with yourself and fall in love with someone who loves you a little bit more than that. You might not deserve it now, but someday you will. Thank you for teaching me what I deserve. I would not have found happiness in the relationship I have now, if it had not been for you.
I would not have found the love I had for myself, if it had not been for you.
By Casey Ebeling for ThoughtCatalog