You need to know that I am going to be grateful for you taking a chance on me.
There are just too many problems that come with having a cluttered heart. There are so many feelings and emotions that need to be made sense of. There are so many questions that are seemingly left answered all the time. There are so many things that you feel like you have to give and you can never expect to receive anything in return. Having a messy heart means that you somehow have to believe that you are inadequate and that you aren’t really being the person that you need to be to sustain this relationship. You are led to believe that you don’t have the strength that is present in all other people you know; how easily it is for them to just move on and get over their emotions. You hate how you see them going about their lives while you’re just there trying to make sense of everything because you still refuse to let go.
A messy heart is one that is bursting at the seams. It’s one that is seemingly filled with so many things, that it’s about to explode at any moment. You have to try your best to keep everything together but it’s all just too much. It’s like you’re a water balloon that’s on the brink of bursting but you still keep on trying to stretch everything out to the best of your abilities. You try to push your limits every single time and you don’t know how long you’re going to last like this. As if you’re life weren’t messy enough as it is, your problems of the heart decide to pile on to your already cluttered desk.
And this is the kind of heart that you’re going to have to deal with. This is the kind of heart that you’re going to have to learn to love. It isn’t a perfect heart. In fact, it’s a very flawed heart that needs lot of work. You are choosing to love a heart that needs a lot of patience and understanding. You are choosing to love a heart that you’re going to have to have lots of problems with, and you’re just going to have to be okay with that. In fact, you’re going to have to be more okay with it. You are going to have to learn to love it, because that’s the only way I’ll ever be made to feel like I’m worthy of being with you.
I know that I’m a mess and that I can be a lot to deal with. And that’s why you need to know that I am going to be grateful for you taking a chance on me. You have to know that I wasn’t always like this. My heart wasn’t always so messy and cluttered. My heart didn’t always used to have so many scars and imperfections. And I loved freely. I loved wholeheartedly. I have my relationships everything that I had and this is what I end up having to show for it. I have so many flaws now because of those heartbreaking experiences. So many times, my trust has been broken, and so I ended up a broken person because of those times. So many people walked into my life, made me fall in love with them, broke me, and then left. And a bit of me was lost every single time that happened and I don’t know if I can ever make myself whole again. And so while I lost all the good parts of my life, my heart just started to accumulate all of the toxicity and negativity. My heart just slowly grew to learn the values of mistrust, disappointment, disloyalty, dishonesty, and fakeness. My heart slowly learned to let go of optimism, hope, and understanding. And as much as I tried to keep the good parts of me whole, I am starting to fall apart at the seams and I know that the only thing that can really save me from myself is the genuine love from another person. And I hope that you can be that person for me. I hope you can give me the love that I have so desperately been needing for the longest time now. I hope that you can give me the love that I deserve.
And while it might be difficult to fall in love with a person like me, just know that I can still be worth it. Because underneath this broken and messy exterior is a heart of gold. There lies a beautiful soul that has been broken, battered, abused, and manipulated. But it’s beautiful nonetheless. It just needs the love from another beautiful soul to give it life again. And when that happens, little by little, my heart will slowly cleanse itself. And I can be whole again.