Men /men/ noun: 1. the simplest creatures to walk the face of the earth, synonyms: boys, big babies, hairy creatures, impassive nincompoops. That definition is about right! Men and women are genuinely two different peas in the same pod. Women are complex, men are simple. Women are emotional, men are rational. The difference between the genders is what makes the world go around. A man doesn’t want a woman that acts manly, and a woman doesn’t want a man that is softer than a Tempur-Pedic. Together, they are the perfect balance—the ying to the yang, the peanut butter to the jelly.
The gender contrast, however, does bring about challenges and dilemmas. Women and men clash all of the time. As a result, one gender usually gets upset that the other gender doesn’t think or behave the same way they do. But that’s never gonna happen! Women are not men, men are not women, therefore a man is not going to see things like a woman does and vice versa. What the two must do is meet somewhere in the middle. One place to start is learning how to communicate with one another. With that said, let’s begin with 15 things you should never EVER say to him.
15. “I’m Celibate”
The first thought that pops into a man’s brain when a woman says she’s celibate is: “Nun”. Celibacy is commendable, praiseworthy and respected by most men—it’s just not LIKED by men! Unless the guy practices celibacy or is headed down that path, the words “I’m celibate” to men is like kryptonite to Superman. If men ever had an Achilles’ heel, it would be the phrase “I’m celibate”. Upon meeting, not all guys have an ulterior motive of getting in the girls’ panty drawers, though men at least want the prospect of it. “I’m celibate”, takes away the sheer possibility of getting sensual, which in turn produces hopelessness within the male. And if there’s no hope, well then there’s no point.
14. “Why Don’t You Shave?” Or “Why Don’t You Cut Your Hair?”
Whoever said, “Let a man be a man”, is a pure unadulterated genius. “Male pride” is a real thing for ALL men. Men feel that no matter what you take from them, you can never take away their manhood. When it comes down to it, he feels his manhood is all he truly has. A beard (whether full or patchy) and a certain haircut style are things that contribute to his manhood. He’s going along, feeling great, feeling like a MAN! Then you come in with, “Why don’t you shave that crap off?”….totally zapping his manhood! The absolute worst thing a woman can do to a man, is attempt to diminish his manhood. By doing so, you’re taking away all that he has, basically taking away his heart (and his cojones). Best thing is to either not date a guy with a beard or a hairstyle you don’t like, or somehow the two of you must meet in the middle.
13. “You’re Taking Me On A Date And You’re Paying”
You see the expression on Leo’s face?! That’s the EXACT reaction he’ll make if you come at him with this. Doesn’t matter if the two of you have just met or have been together for awhile, “You’re taking me on a date and you’re paying” is the surest way to retract a male back into his shell. Perhaps you’ll get away with saying this if you’ve been dating for a bit, but if you two have just started talking…WHOA NELLY don’t go there!! Seriously, don’t even joke around with it. For one, men do not like to be given orders. Two, the statement makes it seem as if you’re a gold digger. Also, maybe the man’s not sure about you yet, and the first times you hangout he opts to take you somewhere plain so that you can simply talk (ex: a park, a coffee shop, a museum). Look at it from the flip side, imagine if he’d said that to you!!
12. “My Dad Is Crazy” Or “My Brothers Are Psychos”
The last thing a man wants to do is end up like poor Reggie here. You remember in “Bad Boys II”, when Reggie came to take out Meg (Marcus Burnett’s baby daughter) and Marcus and Mike Lowrey was all on him like stank on gym socks! In this case, Reggie was only a kid, though, even fully grown male adults do not want to deal with a woman’s mentally unstable father. The thought alone of meeting some woman’s dad eventually is nerve wrecking and a tad intimidating. Providing she states in advance that her Daddy is a basket case, well, that is enough to make a guy abandon ship or at least strongly consider it! Same thing goes for brothers, doesn’t matter if she has one loony brother or multiple. Guys feel they already have enough on their plate as far as life, and adding a wildcard father and/or brothers on top is just not worth it.
11. “My Ex Is A Stalker” Or “My Baby Daddy Is Bonkers”
This is just as bad as having dysfunctional male immediate family members—actually, it’s worse! It’s a father’s or brother’s duty to protect their daughter or sister, therefore, it’s understandable if they initially come off threatening or unfriendly. However, a lunatic ex-boyfriend and/or baby father—now that’s a WHOLE ‘nother level! Nothing is worth getting severely injured or losing your life over, let alone it happening over a woman you don’t even know if you are going to be with next week! In reality, unfortunately, some women merely pick the wrong guy and he turns out to be a few grapes short of a fruit salad. Thing is, the next guy(s) up-to-bat certainly does not want to deal with that nonsense.
10. “You’re No Fun”
All guys know that girls just want to have fun. Perhaps the song provided them with that magic key! That is the main “secret”—women honestly just want to have fun. Period. It’s that simple. Marilyn Monroe put it best: “If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything.” That’s because laughing entails fun. Most people would agree that a day without laughing is a day wasted. If a woman tells a man “you’re no fun”, it makes the man feel inadequate. If a woman just wants to have fun, and the male can’t provide that fun, inevitably, he’ll begin to feel self-conscious about his inabilities. By not fulfilling that vital need of hers, he’ll start to feel like less of a man, or that maybe she is better off with someone else.
9. “I’m Stronger Than You” Or “I Can Beat You Up”
Okay men know there are some women out there (i.e. Laila Ali, Ronda Rousey, etc) that can whoop them like they stole something! Men accept that fact, though they still wholeheartedly despise it. The #1 absolute worst thing that can happen to a male within the pack is to get beat up by a girl. There’s just no coming back from that! Giving that’s the case, ladies just keep quiet and be humble regarding the fact that you can drag him down the street by his ears. In general, men just don’t want to hear “I can beat you up” or “I’m stronger than you” come out of a woman’s mouth, period. Men do not like to be challenged nor have their manhood tested by women.
8. “My Ex Was…[insert insulting/hurtful comparison].”
Ladies, just as you do not want to hear about your guy’s ex, he sure as hell does not want to hear about yours either! This is especially bad if you are meeting the guy for the first time, and the bulk of your conversation is about your ex-boyfriend (or ex-girlfriend…eh it is 2017!). Do that, and your chances of scoring a 2nd date are slim to nonexistent. Even when you do get the guy and lock him down, he STILL doesn’t want to hear you consistently bring up your ex. Whether you say the ex’s name, or use the phrase “my ex”, HE DOES NOT WANT TO HEAR IT. Oh, and if you really want to piss him off, say: “My ex did it, why can’t you?” Sit back then and watch Mount Kilimanjaro erupt.
7. “You Don’t Have A Choice”
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How she’s steady holding her coffee though! See my man, getting dragged like a Yorkshire Terrier, that’s how men feel when they hear: “You don’t have a choice.” Choices, options, that’s what life is all about. Don’t you just love when you go into Walmart and you walk down the cereal aisle, and you stand in front of UMPTEEN brands of cereals, all different kinds and flavors! It’s not the actual cereals that you are loving, you love the fact that you have so many options to select from. That’s what freedom is all about—being able to pick and choose. Telling a man, “you don’t have a choice”, strips him of his natural right of freedom. Therefore, ladies, tell him what you would like, but never try to force him.
6. “It’s Nice…”
There are many answers a woman can give to a male when he asks, “So uh, what you think?”. Stuff like, “You are packing some meat”, “Yeah, I like it”, “Mmmm, yummy”, are neutral responses a lady can utilize. The one statement you want to avoid at all costs however, is “It’s nice”. “It’s nice? IT’S NICE!? What in the *bleep* do you mean IT’S NICE!!?” This will be his exact thoughts upon hearing so. Men interpret “It’s nice” as: “It’s okay”, “I’ve seen better”, or “It’s small, but I’m trying not to hurt your feelings”. It’s a given that in reference to their package, men desire to hear feedback such as: “Holy crap that’s huge!” or “That is the biggest one I have ever seen, ever.” That’s just men for ya…all wanna pack a “third” leg. Although, most males know, they are not going to receive a five star rating on their tool from every woman, and they’re cool with that. Please just not, “It’s nice”!
5. “You Are A Mama’s Boy”
No bond is as strong as a mother and son’s. Again, NO bond is stronger than a son’s and mother’s. Accept that, know that, and move on. The first girl a guy ever loves is his mama. She is his heart—matter fact, his heart was formed inside of her womb! Most sons have their mother on a pedestal, they have her mounted and strapped upon a high horse. To him, mama can do no wrong. She is an angel. Her name is sacred, therefore, you can not take it in vain. Saying “You’re a mama’s boy” to a man, is straight up desecrating her! It’s blasphemous! How dare you speak ill of his mama’s good name! Sounds eccentric, but that’s the door you open if you choose to tease a man about his relationship with his mother. Just don’t do it.
4. “You’re Like A Brother To Me”
Noooooo not the brother zone!! Every, and I mean every male’s worst fear is to be put in the brother zone. It’s even WORSE than the friend zone. Guys don’t want to be just your friend. Even if they say that they do, they are LYING. Reasons being: 1) A man feels he already has enough male platonic friends, there’s no need for you to join the ranks, and 2) His mom and sister(s) are already his female friends, he’s good. Lastly, 3) Men and women as sole friends goes against the laws of nature. She has an innie, he has an outie, it was created like that for a reason. Then there’s the attraction factor. Women, in general, are thee best thing the Man upstairs ever spawned. The way a woman walks…swaying, bouncing, jiggling all over the place. The way a woman talks…soft, sweet, seductive even. The way a woman smells…Oh lordy, the way a woman smells! Yum. Her eyes, lips, hair, nails…look, he CAN’T just be friends with you, ok!?!
3. “I Don’t Do That”
Yes ladies, you know what we’re talking about. Let’s admit, doing “that”, isn’t always the most pleasant thing. There’s the gag factor. Your jaws get tired and begin to hurt. The clear-colored fluid that secretes throughout and the milky-cream grand finale. The hygiene (e.g. pubes, overall scent, etc.). Indeed, there’s a lot on your plate with “that”! Here’s the thing though: For most men, “that” is an absolute necessity. It is vital, perhaps critical. Men need oxygen, water, food, and “THAT”! Ladies, you must understand the hardships of possessing testosterone. It is rough! Men naturally feel irritable and violent on a daily basis due to testosterone. The chemical is what makes men kooky. “That”, suppresses the inner beast, relieves, and calms the man down. Saying “I don’t do that” only adds fuel upon his already unrelenting fire.
2. “I Don’t Cook” Or “Cook It Yourself”
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach”, so the saying goes. Cooking food for a man is a good way to win his affection. But really, a happy stomach is the MAIN way to win his love! Food is the ultimate aphrodisiac when it comes to men. Yes, men love to get hot and heavy. Men love beer. What men love the most though?? FOOD! Ask any man, he’ll gladly tell you. Nothing is better than home cooked food. Take out is good, going to a restaurant is fine, but there’s something extra special about a woman cooking a meal. The gesture alone will bring out the very best within the man. He will be kinder, more affectionate, and more giving, if you know what I mean. Feed him, feed him, feed him…that is the golden unwritten law. Guaranteed that if you tell him “cook it yourself”, he’ll say “aight”, and then soon replace you with a woman that’ll bang them pots and pans.
1. “Is It In Yet?”
Aww man this is hitting below the belt, literally! There are a million things you probably shouldn’t say to a guy, but this here is truly the worst. Talk about rock bottom, it does not get any lower than “Is it in yet?” SERIOUSLY!! Here’s this guy, prepped, bulging, about to show you what his manhood is all about. He inserts, slides up in that warm apple pie, eagerly awaiting a moan or a squeal. On the contrary, what he receives in return is, “Is it in yet?” Now, he’s lost! He’s off. He doesn’t know what to do. “Uh, nah, not all the way”, is the only sentence he can follow up with. He then tries to shove it in some more, as if there were a couple of inches he simply forgot about. She’s waiting…he’s petrified. She’s befuddled…he’s getting ready to die any second. Moral of the story: “Is it in yet?” is virtual neutering. RIP his self-esteem.
By WILLIE T. PLAZA for TheTalko