There was nothing I wanted more in my life than to have you stick around and fight for our love. I was always so afraid that you would just choose to look after yourself without regard for how your decisions would end up making me feel.
To begin with, I just want to apologize to you. I want to say sorry for all the times where I didn’t live up to the maturity that was required of me. I want to say sorry for all those times I acted like a little prick who felt a little too entitled. I knew that my language was rough. I knew that I was being unwarrantedly vulgar. I knew that I wasn’t in a position to really impose my ideas unto you because you have your own individual life too. I genuinely seek your forgiveness and I hope you can find it in your heart to absolve me of my emotional sins. In addition to that, I sincerely hope that you understand the things that led me to say the things that I said; to act the way that I did. I doubt that you do understand though. I wasn’t exactly an open book. So here it is. I’m laying it all out into the open. Here’s why I was always less than ideal whenever I was with you. Here’s to hoping that you finally understand where I was coming from.
I was upset because you always made me feel like I wasn’t worth the struggle. I always had this lingering feeling inside of me telling me that you weren’t just committed to fighting for us; to fighting for me. There was nothing I wanted more in my life than to have you stick around and fight for our love. I was always so afraid that you would just choose to look after yourself without regard for how your decisions would end up making me feel. I always assumed you to be selfish. I couldn’t bear the thought of not having you in my life but I never felt like you understood that. I always had this voice at the back of my head just telling me that you were going to get fed up and that you were just going to get up and leave me to fend for my own. And then you did.
It broke me when you left. I expected it. I braced for it. But it still hurt all the same. I still felt that pain that just required itself to be felt. I was hopeless. I found myself questioning my sense of self-worth. I didn’t see my value in the life of anyone other than my own. I didn’t see my place in the universe anymore. I didn’t know if I still even had a purpose in life because the one person who seemingly appreciated me for me just chose to leave. I started to believe that I just wasn’t good enough for anyone. I started to believe that no one was ever going to be willing to keep me as a permanent facet in their lives
I may have been overreacting. I may still be overreacting right now. I wouldn’t blame people for thinking that way. They have it so much better than I have. They don’t know my pain. They aren’t familiar with how my mind works. They don’t know my soul. I wasn’t always like this. I used to think much better of myself. I had high hopes for my life. I had high hopes for us. I used to always believe that I had so much to offer other people and the world. I always assumed that there was something in me that was worth appreciating. I thought that I was the type of person who was worth fighting for. I thought that I had the power to compel people to keep me in their lives. I assumed that to be the case until you chose to leave me. You were the best of the people in my life and you still chose to leave. Now I’m left with nothing because the best is gone. I have nothing to show for it.
Didn’t we talk about our future? Didn’t we have so many plans for ourselves? Didn’t we thoroughly discuss all of our expectations for one another? I was willing to live up to my end of the bargain. I was always willing to put in the work. I was ready to commit myself entirely to the prospect of building a future with you. You said that you were willing to commit yourself to. You said that you were ready to devote yourself to everything that we had planned for ourselves. Why did you lie? Why did you lead me to believe that you were actually serious about having a future with me?
At this point, you probably understand to what extent your choosing to leave has broken me as a person. You probably are now getting a glimpse of the kind of effect your refusal to push through has left on my life. You are probably now getting to know just how important you and your promises were to me. And by now, you probably understand why I will never understand the fact that you just chose to leave me.
By A for RelationshipRules