No matter how much you want to make it work.
You’ve been dating this great guy for a while and, for the most part, things are going well. When you see him, you totally enjoy his company. He’s smart, successful, romantic, great in bed, and talks about the future, even when you don’t bring it up.
You feel like you could see yourself falling in love with this guy and you’re starting to refer to him as your boyfriend, but you’re never really sure how to tell if a guy likes you as much as you like him. You keep wondering, “Does he love me?”, but even as you see some seemingly clear signs he loves you, others seem to point in another direction altogether.
There are definitely a few niggling bits causing you to wonder about his true intention — like the way he only contacts you through text messages and keeps talking about his past relationships — but you tend to sweep these things under the carpet in order to focus on the parts of him you like best.
Sound familiar?
If you answered “yes,” you might not be in the healthy relationship you always dreamed of. A lot of women tend to accept substandard treatment, naively hoping more will come once he starts falling in love with them.
When a man holds back or just gives you little pieces of himself, this is called, “breadcrumbing,” and unfortunately, if you’re looking for lasting love, this won’t work.
As defined by Urban Dictionary, breadcrumbing is what happens when men have “no intentions of taking things further, but they like the attention. So they flirt here or there [and] send DMs and texts just to keep the person interested, knowing [full] well they’re staying single.”
If you’ve been in several unsatisfying relationships that never seem to go anywhere, it’s time to know what signs to look for so you can stop wasting your time and move on more quickly.
Recognizing that a man doesn’t have the qualities you’re seeking frees you up so you can find “the one” you’ve dreamed about for so long.
Men who do these 7 things in your relationship will never truly fall in love with you:
1. You only see him when he has time.
You think he’s the answer to your prayers. Now, if only his calendar would settle down so he had more time to see you. This guy likes his schedule the way it is and fits you in when he can. You always have an amazing time, but is that enough?
Usually, you feel like you don’t have enough time and think of ways you can squeeze in another visit before he’s off again — working, traveling, or going after one of his long-time personal goals. And none of them include you!
In a healthy relationship, you would be seeing each other weekly at first and build up to two or three times a week, as weeks turn into months. So, if your time together doesn’t increase, that’s your clue things are not going in the right direction for a healthy relationship.
2. He texts between dates but rarely calls.
You like this guy A LOT, and you can’t wait to see him again. In between dates, he keeps in touch by texting, which is fun … but leaves you wanting more.
How can you really get to know him when you are mostly texting? To connect on a deeper level and grow into a healthy relationship, you need conversations where you learn about each other’s values, goals and dreams.
This man may seem into you, but how interested is he if he doesn’t yearn to hear the sound of your voice and talk to you between those magical dates? He’s breadcrumbing and you deserve more.
3. He doesn’t take you out on real dates.
Your man has a demanding career and when he gets together with you, he just wants to relax more than anything.
Time with him is usually at your house. He’s a gentleman and will bring over takeout — anything you want, baby. You’ll snuggle on the couch and watch a show or Netflix and end up in bed.
You’re having a good time, but you can’t help wishing you could go out on a real date. You want to dress up, have dinner at a nice restaurant, or maybe see a play or a concert. But he’s always so tired that you hate to even ask.
However, in a healthy relationship, there’s a balance between his needs and yours. It’s not about expensive meals but, being social and sharing an engaging evening. If he’s not taking you out, chances are he has a reason — like another woman which is why he can’t be seen with you.
That’s troubling, to say the least. Ask him why he can’t be seen in public with you and don’t believe any excuses.
4. He only makes last minute plans.
This guy is spontaneous and at first, that was really fun. You never knew when you would see him again or what you might do. He’s taken you on great dates to a concert that he just got tickets to or an art opening with cool people.
Still, you’d like him to let you know what’s happening more in advance.
Trouble is, he’s not a planner. He does everything last minute.
In some ways, that’s what makes him so exciting, but over time, that lack of planning can get on our nerves and cause problems. You might even wonder if he’s so into you, why can’t he plan something? You’re worth it, right?
That’s how you know this is not a healthy relationship that will last. He has no vision or plan for the future and prefers to live in the moment. He might not want to define the relationship or commit.
Regardless of how much fun you have with him, if you’re seeking a life partner, this man cannot deliver.
5. He texts every day, but you haven’t seen him in weeks.
Your man texts the sweetest things and messages throughout the day letting you know he’s thinking about you. He might throw out suggestions for plans in the future or share something that’s going on in his life.
However, he’s not making time to see you which makes you question his intentions. No matter how busy a guy is, if you’re important, he finds the time. This lets you know you’re not in a healthy relationship because you’re waiting for him to squeeze you into his life.
Kick this guy to the curb if you want lasting love because he is not serious about you, regardless of what his texts say.
6. He disappears for weeks, then shows up again.
This man is fabulous … when he’s around. You have such a strong connection and time with him is fun and exciting. It seems like he is really into you and then … he disappears for weeks at a time.
He always comes back, but those gaps cause you tremendous angst and confusion.
He’s always got some legitimate excuse and once you’re with him again, you tend to forget about his disappearing act and enjoy the time with him … until it happens again.
If you want to know if a guy really likes you, consistency is essential. The man who is on and off again doesn’t have what it takes for a committed relationship.
No matter how busy a guy gets, there is no reason why he can’t stay in touch. This is true, even with international travel. So, wherever he is in the world, he could get in touch if he wanted to — which is how you know you are not important enough to him and he’s not the man for you.
7. He complains about his ex.
You are so happy to be involved with this man who has all the qualities you want. He’s smart, thoughtful, and caring with a generous heart and a great sense of humor. You couldn’t ask for anything more.
The only problem is his ex. She’s mean, crazy, difficult, a drama queen, or an unpleasant combination of these things. He can’t help but tell you about all the trouble she’s causing him. She’s wreaking havoc in his life.
You do your best to be supportive, but it turns out she’s creating chaos in your life too.
When a man has highly stressful, unresolved problems with his ex, you will too, which is not healthy. The situation will be a constant irritant and in many cases creates tension within your relationship as well. When you meet a man who tells you right away that his ex is crazy, move on quickly before you get attached.
If you recognized these signs in your current relationship, you might be thinking to yourself, “But I love him.”
Love is not always enough. For a healthy relationship, you need reciprocity and balance. You want a man who’s excited to see you and plans on it.
When you accept his relationship crumbs, then you will be unhappy and left wanting more. His behavior will not suddenly correct or improve — this is who he is.
Acknowledge his limitations and then you can honestly decide if a future with him will be mutually enjoyable or full of painful disappointments that eat away at your self-esteem. Stand up for yourself and move on from a man who shows signs that he’ll never fall in love with you.
By Ronnie Ann Ryan for YourTango