I don’t expect you to understand why I am going to say what I am about to. For four months, I have sat here and waited for you to figure things out. Every day gets easier and harder at the same time and I’m trying to figure out how that could be.
I promise you this is going to hurt me, possibly more than it hurts you.
You are not the one sitting here having someone tell you they love you and they want you, yet they do nothing to prove it. I’ve tried on so many occasions to follow through with this, and each time, you would pull me back in and I would go back to loving you, just as I have for the past year now.
I will love you always, but I can’t do this anymore and I’m sorry.
Through loving you, I learned how to love me. I found myself in you. You taught me so many things about life and love and being happy, and I will forever be grateful for that. You have been my whole life for over a year now and everything I always did revolved around you, even in times when it shouldn’t have. I gave and gave and gave to you until I couldn’t anymore, and for a while, you gave back. But then you started to take from me without replacing, and now I’m left with nothing.
I hope one day I can look back on this and be happy. Happy that I met you, happy that I got to know you, happy that I let you bring out the real me. I want to look back, happy that we happened, and still thankful for the time we shared while we shared it. It wasn’t very long, and on everything, I wish we had gotten longer, but it meant everything to me while it was there. It always will.
You are unlike any person I have ever met and you are going to do truly great things someday, but I can’t hurt like this any longer. I lost the person I created while I was with you, and that breaks my heart more than any breakup ever could. Whoever that girl was, she was me. She was the happiest, truest, most pure version of myself that I have ever seen, and I’d give anything to have her back. Maybe I’ll find her again someday, or maybe you took her with you. That will be one of my life’s greatest mysteries, but whatever the case, I will spend the rest of my life trying to find her.
I don’t know what you got out of destroying me, but nobody deserves to hurt the way I have. I know you want me to trust you and wait, and I know that I promised I would, but it’s too much. There was a time when I thought things would never go wrong, but I was blinded by the love I had for you. While I still feel every ounce of love for you that I felt the first time I knew, I also know you a lot better now. I know that you say things you don’t mean and tell me you’ll do something but then don’t follow through, and I know you think you’re doing your best, but I’ve seen your best and this is not it.
Letting go of someone who still shares mutual love with me is the hardest decision I have ever had to make, but I deserve to be happy, and I deserve to be with someone who wants me now. Not in a few weeks, months, whatever. I deserve a love who is never unsure of me. A love that never questions me, and a love that accepts me for all that I am.
You are one of the best things that has ever happened to me and the greatest gift life has ever given me. I never wanted to say goodbye, but now it’s time because sometimes, holding on hurts more than letting go does. And sometimes, we don’t end up with the person we thought we were supposed to spend our lives with. When we were good, we were so good, and I will always hold onto our memories and the time we shared and all the love. I’ll never forget what we had because it was really something special.
I’ll never be able to look at you or hear your name or see a picture, whatever, without wondering what you’re doing, who you’re with, if you’re okay. And I know it’ll be the same for you to me. There won’t be a day I don’t think about you and the times we shared together, but it’s done now, that chapter of my life is ending. It’s too far gone, and as much as I tried to not let it get so, you didn’t put in the same effort. Whether it was because you couldn’t or you just didn’t, it doesn’t change the fact that we drifted apart. Way further than I ever expected or wanted us to.
I’m sorry for not loving you like you deserved, but I loved you with all that I had. You will always have a huge piece of my heart and I will always keep you in my mind as the boy who stole my heart the year I turned 17. I loved you more than anything else in this whole world.
You will always have a home with me, and maybe someday things will be different, but I can’t promise you anything. Until then, I want you to be happy. I want you to live your life with absolutely no regrets and to the fullest extent that you can. Never take a second with anyone you care about for granted and never ever leave them without an “I love you”. You never know when the last time is going to be the last. We both know we didn’t.
You couldn’t have loved me better. You gave me everything you could and I will always hold that close. I thank you for everything you have done for me and for loving me and for standing beside me in the darkest days while I learned to love myself. Take care, I love you more.
By Amber Jones for ThoughtCatalog