I am a bad friend. I never send the first text and I am usually the one who ends the conversation by getting distracted and leaving messages unanswered.
I suck at small talk. If you text me about something important, I will drop everything else to make sure you are okay. But if we’re having an average conversation, I will lose my concentration quickly. I will stop answering because I cannot think of a clever enough response or because I have put down my phone and genuinely forgot it was my turn to text back.
It’s never my intention to keep you waiting. I would never purposely make you feel like shit. If it seems like I have been ignoring you, that is completely on accident.
I’m sorry if I have ever made you feel pushed to the side. I’m sorry if you feel like our friendship is not sincere because you are the one who initiates every single conversation. It’s not that you bore me or that I have zero interest in talking to you. I just suck at texting back.
If it makes you feel any better, you are not the only one I leave waiting. I act this way with everyone.
Maybe I am selfish and self-obsessed. Maybe I am in need of an attitude readjustment. But I have my reasons. I have a million things to do each day and I easily get distracted from my phone. I rarely have a second to myself, and when I actually find free time, I choose to sleep. I choose to catch up on chores. I choose to unwind on my own. The thought of texting you never even crosses my mind.
I know that sounds horrible, but I am not the kind of person who needs to talk to you every single day in order to feel close to you. I go weeks without texting most of my friends. Sometimes, I go months without seeing them face-to-face. Distance doesn’t scare me. I know my real friends will always be there for me, even if we haven’t caught up in weeks.
In my mind, there is nothing wrong with going a little while without talking because the next time we hang out in person, we will have plenty to say — but I realize most people feel differently. Most people want someone they can rely on. Most people want to have daily conversations. Most people want their friends around, twenty-four seven.
I’m sorry I never send the first text and forget to reply to your texts half of the time. I am a shitty friend. I realize that and am going to work on fixing that.
But for now, I hope you realize how much you mean to me. I hope you know my unanswered messages are not any indication of how I feel about you. I love you. I want the best for you. I hope you can see that, even though I suck at texting back.
By Holly Riordan for ThoughtCatalog