I have had a beautiful relationship with you, yet the most agonizing one too. Being with you was all that I ever thought of and wanted. I could never imagine myself without you. You gradually became a habit; my past, my present and my future. While walking down this road with you, I never thought that I would be the one to choose a different path and walk away from you. It was never easy, and till today I am captivated by your memories. I can’t express the pain that I have had to go through ever since I decided to away from you and never look back again.
It’s not always that we want to leave someone who we love genuinely and have a profound affection for, but sometimes it becomes necessary to shut your doors for someone who is nothing but toxic for you. It isn’t necessary that the person who we get into a relationship with will always remain the same person, or even be the right one. While I was with you realized that it is not you who I was looking for. I tried my best to put up with you and always be by your side, but when I realized that my love and efforts would never be reciprocated, I had to move forward without you for my betterment.
I miss watching movies with you; I have to fight the urge to message you and to tell you that I miss you every day. I still cannot get used to picturing myself without you. I miss you promising me every day to be by my side forever. I get teary-eyed while recalling our crazy days and nights together. It isn’t easy to believe that you were lying when you said that I was your best friend and that you cannot think of your life without me. Coming to terms with this deceit will be something of a lifelong struggle. Sometimes I want you to lie to me and keep me in the same delusion that you always had kept me in. I realized it very late that all your promises, emotions and feelings were an illusion which you purposely kept me in. It was all for show.
It breaks my heart to think of how you made an utter mockery of my genuine love for you. It hurts to feel all the pain that you have put me through. All the sleepless nights that I have had to go through and, sometimes, I still do, and it all haunts me. You shook my belief in love; you made me question my sanity, you made me think that love is a thing of fairy tales that never come true. You clouded my mind with the idea that there is no such thing as truth in feelings and there never will be any real, passionate love. I have now come to realize that it is you who were the problem. It was you who couldn’t love and mistreated the ones who you claimed to love, but in fact, it was a joke to you, something you did before hitting the bed at night only to wake up completely unapologetic as if you never broke anyone’s heart.
I want to believe that you cared for me, that I was the only one you loved. I want to keep all your good memories with me. I want to relive all the beautiful moments that I had shared with you. But all the painful days when you weren’t there for me, and I needed you when you were busy cheating on me when you took me for granted and shoved my feelings and emotions aside like it was garbage, cloud the happy memories that I carry in my mind. They pinch me and wake me up from the dream of going back to you. They agonizing times of our relationship keep me sane and help in moving forward from a toxic relationship.
Even though this time has been harrowing for me, I am glad that because of you I understand that I don’t belong to someone who doesn’t love me. I do not need to put up with someone who is a coward and will not love anyone with honesty and sincerity. I realized that I don’t belong to someone who is not willing to make efforts to be with me. I do not need run after someone whose affection is not constant. I do not need to make someone apart of my life whose actions and words don’t fuse together. You cannot love someone one day and the other day behave as if you were never in love with them.
You gave me reasons to understand relationships better and what I want from the man I choose to love. I know now what kind of a person I need in my life, someone who is not like you. Someone who would only love me, and will be consistent in his actions and efforts. Someone who would be sincere and loyal. You taught me that I deserve way better than what I had. In this entire process, I understood that true love does exist, but you have to find the right person for yourself. Also, for finding a person who genuinely cares for you and love I need to love myself more than anyone else would.