It’s no secret that men are very different from women. Most are undomesticated beasts that are just looking to mate, eat, and sleep. If you are thinking, “Well gee, that sounds a little harsh.”, you’ll be singing a whole different tune when you learn of the secret things men do when there are no women present. As refined and civil as a man may appear to be, a whole other story is being played out in the bathroom, bedroom, and locker room.
Women aren’t dumb. We know that men are more likely to track their mud through the freshly swept house and to not rinse the ketchup off their dishes, resulting in a gummy ketchup crust. But can you believe that their disgusting habits are even worse than that? Some of these things are difficult to fathom or even comprehend. You’ll clearly see why women are referred to as the “fairer gender”.
Whether you’re entering a new relationship, are about to marry the man of your dreams, or are visiting your brother’s new apartment, proceed with caution. Make sure you know – and accept – the facts about what he’s really like before taking this risky step.
15. Scratches Or Rearranges His Junk
While the act of scratching or adjusting isn’t all that disgusting (after all, women can get a little uncomfortable down there, too!), the mental image is what makes us cringe. When you really think about the reason behind his “quick fix”, it’ll make you turn up your nose. Maybe he does it because he’s sweating and his junk is sticking to his leg (yuck!) or it could be because he’s trying to suppress an, eh hem, erection. There are dozens of reasons why a man will paw at his junk, and it’s almost never as simple as “I’ve got an itch.” Just thinking about scratching them is enough to send a shiver down your spine. Not sure if there’s anything less attractive on a man’s body than sweaty, pubey, danruffy, and wrinkly man ovaries.
14. Checks (Or Sniffs) His Underwear
For some reason, men are compelled to get a good whiff of their boxers or briefs the moment they come off. Like a moth drawn to a flame, it’s a habit that’s as part of their daily routine as applying deodorant (a routine we hope he’s doing!). If he’s undressing in front of you, you’re likely not going to see it happen. But if you notice he’s wearing the same boxers on Night 2 of your evening rendezvous, it’s likely he’s given it the ‘ole scratch n’ sniff test and gave the verdict that they were clean enough for another wear. *Shudder*. Even if he can see with his own eyes that – gulp – they’re dirty, he’ll STILL go ahead and sniff them. Eeeeew! This is a habit we’ll have to break him into not doing.
13. Cleans The Toilet Bowl (With His Urine)
Ever hear of men using the toilet bowl as target practice, aiming for a spot in the toilet to unload their bladders on? It’s a skill they learn early in life, when parents throw Cheerios into the toilet and get their sons to hit the honey nut O. Aiming for a spot is something women will never experience, but at least it’s something that we can understand. However, instead of aiming, men like to swirl their stream around the bowl in an attempt to “clean” the inner ceramic. What? Look, urine is not a cleanser, nor does it have antibacterial or sudsy properties. If a man’s twisted logic of cleaning the toilet results in him whipping out his pee stick, it’s no wonder our toilet’s never look clean. Sorry, but the job is not done, fellas.
12. Picks Teeth With Toenail Clippings
When a man clips his toenails, it’s never a pretty sight (or a tidy one). For a man, clipping their toenails becomes an Olympic sport. They grow them out until a woman complains, or when they can no longer find a holeless sock. Then when the time comes to butcher the three-months-old growth, it takes them forever in the bathroom. Longer than any woman would expect. What are they doing in there? Most likely, they’re clipping their nails in such a way that it pings off the bathroom mirror and hopefully lands in the waste basket. If that wasn’t weird enough, they love to save the big toenail for a very special post-clip encore: using it to pick their teeth! Ugh. Once they dislodge yesterday’s steak with their clipping, don’t be surprised if they eat the troublesome food. OMFG! We can’t even.
11. Pees In The Sink
Men have an advantage when it comes to unloading their bladders; they can do it anywhere, anytime. It’s unfair for us toilet-trained women in more ways than one. Not only must we seek out a proper throne to do our business (we may be a little jealous here), but we now have to deal with the realization that men are peeing in the place where we wash our hands! For real? We’re not sure if they’re in a rush, drunk, or simply mixing things up, but men, ya gotta stop. It’s awful to walk into a restroom and not know whether or not that smell of urine is from the last person to use the toilet, or if it’s yesterday’s film of unrinsed pee sitting in the sink.
10. Doesn’t Clean His Pee Off Of The Toilet Seat
This one not only grosses us out, but full-on makes us angry. There’s nothing more infuriating for a woman than to unknowingly press her bum atop a polluted toilet seat. We will simultaneously experience Hulk-like rage and stomach-churning revulsion. WHY? Why are you men not a) putting the toilet seat up (and then back down, thanks), or b) cleaning the seat off when your backsplash reaches the rim? I’ll ask again, whyyyyy? This courteous task should be taught to you alongside aiming for Cheerio targets during your potty-training days. Forgive us while we blame your mother for this one, or your general lack of respect for people. How about us women start leaving some remnants of our monthly body expulsion on the toilet seat and see how you like it.
9. Reuses Sweaty Underwear
Blech! Sweat is usually unappetizing to begin with, but sweat from a man’s nether region has got to be the worst kind of bodily fluid. Dudes, if sweat has pooled up in such a way that it begins to saturate your undergarments, take that as a sign that it needs a wash. Whether the disgusting item is a jock strap or a pair of tighty-whities, there is no excuse for wearing the smelly thing again. We totally understand that laundry has a way of piling up and is not something you want to do right away. But do yourself – and us ladies – a favour and take the time to run your hockey gear through the wash before sliding that sticky cup back up your hairy thighs.
8. Smells His Own Fart
We all can’t help the occurrence of this natural bodily function. Everybody farts, just like everybody drops a deuce. What separates women from men is how we handle the situation. Women secretly get the job done to suppress embarrassment, but also because it is what it is. Why elaborate on the event? Men turn their farts into a spectacle and a source of entertainment. We will never get this fascination. And no, we don’t want to try to understand it. Whether it’s wafting the fresh gas up into his nostrils or dutch-ovening himself, the need to experience their own product knows no bounds. Leave it to a man to examine every disgusting inch and discharge of his body. We’ll just be over here with our gas masks, thanks.
7. Blows His Nose In The Shower
Alright, so this one doesn’t make us cringe at the fact that he’s removing his boogers while near a water source. After all, the shower is a nice and hot place that helps to loosen up those pesky sinuses. This is gross for two reasons: sometimes all boogers are not washed down the drain, and the wet and gurgly sound of it makes us not want to go near his face for at least 24 hours. There is nothing worse than using the shower after a man and discovering a phlegmy substance on the wall. Is it snot, or something…else? If the shower is helping to break up that man-cold of yours, then please have the decency to step out of the shower to muffle and dispose of your mucus in a tissue.
6. Reaches Down To His Crotch & Sniffs His Fingers
If adjusting his junk wasn’t enough, men have to take it one step further with initiating skin-on-skin contact, along with a deep-tissue, fingernail-clogging scratch of his man parts. Yummy! To top off this distasteful gesture, he – can you believe it? – proceeds to SMELL. HIS. FINGERS. Oh, no he di’int! Thank goodness that women will rarely catch sight of this show, because it’ll be enough for them to swear off men altogether. Now here’s the real kicker: most men will likely never wash their hands after doing this! Oh boy. That’s it. I’m done. How do I make a female-seeking-female dating profile? There’s a lesson here, ladies. Never hold a man’s hands. You truly never know where those digits have been. Well, now you do.
5. Eats While Doing His Business
In case it wasn’t obvious information to everybody, when people deuce, small particles of it enter the air. That’s right. This is why bathroom’s are so disgusting and need to be cleaned daily, IMO. So why anyone would ever choose to eat while sitting on the toilet is beyond me. Men are just such complicated, weird, cave-like people that can’t comprehend basic manners and, especially bathroom etiquette. My apologies, men, for serving food upon a plate and eating said food at a table and with a fork, and not our hands. Forgive us for forcing our ideas of proper dining decorum into a male-driven society. Shall we bring you a foldable TV table and a napkin, or shall you be using your lap this evening? If you’re actually going to be spending so much time on that toilet that you can’t wait to replenish your vacating load, then we feel bad for you, son.
4. Snapchats His #2
Relieving yourself can be a pleasing experience. Whether you’ve been backed up for days or are able to do it in a quick and silent manner, getting the job done is hardly ever terrible. But in true male form, the opposite gender just loves to share their accomplishments. You’d think this showboating routine would stop somewhere, but you’d be wrong. Their desire to sing their own praises goes right into the bathroom, and even beyond, using the power of smartphones. Guys, sending your massive or oddly-shaped excrement to a buddy is one thing. I mean, another man would probably be the only one to appreciate this sort of text. But DO NOT send the newly-processed lasagna that your girlfriend cooked for you last night to her, or any other female for that matter. You may think it’s hilarious, but trust – no woman will want to put out after seeing that.
3. Blows His Nose Into His Shirt
Another disgusting habit that toes the line between spending happy hour with a sock and emptying your sinuses in the shower, is blowing your nose in a shirt. They’re all equally as nasty. On some level, we can relate. When women get a little chilly and our nostrils begin to run, a tissue is not always in reach. We’ll casually wipe it away with our mitten or the sleeve of our shirt. What we will NOT do is fully blow our nose into our shirt, or any other piece of clothing lying around. Clothing was not meant for such foul treatment! If you choose to grab a dirty shirt over grabbing a tissue, or at least a small length of toilet paper, then you’re far beyond domesticating, fella.
2. Yellow-Streams In A Bottle
While this is another one that makes us slightly jealous, it also sends us into a full-body squirm at the thought of it actually happening. Peeing in a bottle can be an excellent way to go while you’re on-the-go, or if a bathroom or bush is not within sight. It keeps in contained, sealing in the smell and the contents. However, it’s a sight that no woman ever wants to see and definitely doesn’t want to hear about it. If you have a collection of water bottles rolling around in your back seat that are filled with urine you collected during rush hour traffic, gtfo. The only way that we will accept this form of bladder relief is if you dispose of it ASAP. Otherwise, you better learn how to seek comfort in your collection, ‘cause it’ll take a strong woman to endure keeping you warm at night.
1. Uses Socks For “Personal Time”
This may not be the first time you’re hearing of this, but the infamous “tube sock” has had more than one role than playing the warm sleeve on one’s foot it was originally intended for. Men – or moreso, young men – enjoy the luxuries of pleasing oneself while also being lazy and keeping warm in their bed. That’s great, dudes. I mean, who doesn’t love indulging in a little self love? But men don’t just stop there. Instead of grabbing a kleenex, like a normal person, they reach for a sock. Gross. Do you know how hard, uh, difficult it will be to wash that now? Might as well just go buy a jumbo pack, because we know men won’t be fast-acting on rinsing out that tainted garment.
By JESSICA WRIGHT for TheTalko