Aries (March 21st to April 19th)
You are insensitive, crabby, and volatile. It’s like one minute everything is great and then MOOD SWING and you’re sulking for the rest of the day. Please immediately learn how to deal with your feelings.
Taurus (April 20th to May 21st)
You think the world is only about you. It’s insufferable to be in a relationship with you, friendship/romantic or otherwise because you fundamentally view others negatively. You’re paranoid that they are trying to infringe on your independence and get you to change when all they probably want is to like, chill.
Gemini (May 22nd to June 21st)
You need to decide which personality you have and then stick with it. It’s hard to take you seriously when you are a new person every week and have the focus of a toddler. No one likes an adult child.
Cancer (June 22nd to July 22nd)
You cry too much and it makes people uncomfortable. You’re an absolute baby when you feel hurt or sad or things don’t go your way. Also, if you’re SO SENSITIVE AND EMOTIONALLY DEEP maybe you should use some of your powers to tell people how you feel instead of making them guess. Just saying.
Leo (July 23rd to August 22nd)
Leos are sooooo exhaustingly thirst for praise. Did your mom not hug you enough? It’s claustrophobic being around Leos because they need you to notice and affirm every tiny thing. Can you please just learn how to love yourself?
Virgo (August 23rd to September 22nd)
Worst friends ever! They have terrible taste and love to nag you about boring details.
Libra (September 23rd to October 22nd)
Libras think they are the voice of God when it comes to making a “balanced” and “reasonable” decision. It sucks to date/be friends with you when all you care about is logic, and not the individual people involved in the decision, people with FEELINGS.
Scorpio (October 23rd to November 22nd)
Your ego is so incredibly massive that anyone who chooses to love you does so knowing they will have to deal with that for the rest of their life, and choosing not to embarrass you about it.
Sagittarius (November 23rd to December 21st)
Sagittarius are narcissistic little shits who need everyone to tell them how cool they are.
Capricorn (December 22nd to January 20th)
You are soooooooooooooooo boring. Literally try to have an interesting thought for one second. It can’t possibly be that hard. Also, you are impressively bad at sex. Sorry.
Aquarius (January 21st to February 18th)
All Aquarians secretly want to be Charles Manson. That’s fucked up.
Pisces (February 19th to March 20th)
It’s a little bit tragic to love a Pisces and watch them struggle to love themselves. You just wanna shake them sometimes and tell them to stop letting people walk on them because it bums you out to watch it happen over and over. Get a spine bro.