Maybe One Day We’ll Be Friends Without Loving Each Other

I know who I used to be, you know who I used to be. But things have changed in the last year. Maybe it was a change of heart, maybe I just wizened up. But my heart no longer belongs to you. My heart belongs to me.

You return every time you leave. And every time you return, I kept my arms open, and my smile welcoming. You reeked of familiarity, and you fit like the old ratty t-shirt I couldn’t bring myself to throw away. So every time you walked away, I let you walk right back in.

Today you rang the doorbell. It broke me when I stayed in my room. “No one’s home” I whispered. I was still crying long after you walked away from the front door. But, I am no longer your home; you cannot come and go as you please.

The day our hearts broke; you said that we will stay friends long after. You didn’t mean that – you wanted a lover without the commitment. It took me a while to realize that. It took me opening the front door every time after a night out. It took me opening the front door every time no one else answered your calls. It took me opening the front door every time you fell. Only then, did I realize that you only ring the doorbell when everyone else was out. Only then, did I realize that you only ring the doorbell when you had no other options. Only then, did I realize that you only ring the doorbell when you needed me. And, that’s the sort of selfish love I need to give myself for now.

I remember I said that I would never move so you would always know where to find me. The truth is, I haven’t. But I cannot let you in, not for now anyway – instead, I watch you from the window, hiding behind the broken curtains. I cannot be the girl you only come home to because you’ve been hurt exploring new places – I am nobody’s second option.

We cannot be friends because I cannot be the sort of friend you want me to be. I cannot be the friend who has never fallen in love with the way you smile. I cannot be the friend who has never fallen in love with the way you say my name. I cannot be the friend who has never fallen in love with you.

We cannot be friends because I cannot be the sort of friend I would like to be. I cannot be the friend whose heart doesn’t break when I see you smiling at another girl. I cannot be the friend whose heart doesn’t break when I hear you say her name. I cannot be the friend whose heart has never been broken by you.

Maybe one day we can be friends without being lovers.

But now for, I’ll set both our hearts on fire.

By Sarah Cae for ThoughtCatalog

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