I’m Tired Of Pretending I’m Happy Being Single—TBH I’m Lonely, Frustrated, And Horny

I lead a full, meaningful life without a plus-one, but you know what? Being alone is rough. Even though I usually hide my hurt, the strain is finally catching up with me. Frankly, I’m so tired of being the carefree single girl, I can hardly stand it sometimes.

1. I’M THE ONLY SINGLE PERSON AT FAMILY GATHERINGS.

 I’m literally the sole singleton over the age of 12 at any family shindig. I’m the reason they set out that odd-numbered place mat on Thanksgiving. I’m the one who never has to pull her spouse away from the party to get home and feed the dog. Ugh.

2. I HAVE VERY FEW SINGLE FRIENDS. 

As much as they try, my lovebird friends can’t truly relate to my exploits. They’re sympathetic when I vent about my misadventures, but they’ve forgotten (or mentally blocked) their pre-exclusive couple experiences. When I do meet a guy I’m long-term interested in, everybody asks, “Has he made it official yet?” Like I need any more stress in this situation.

3. MOST PEOPLE PUT THEIR BOYFRIEND FIRST EVENTUALLY.

Choosing a mate and making that bond paramount is perfectly natural. I don’t resent my shacked up pals for focusing on their relationships, I simply want a little of that domestic bliss for myself.

4. IT SEEMS LIKE EVERYONE IS BETTER AT NABBING A GUY THAN I AM. 

One week, I’m talking to an acquaintance and she’s as single as I am. The next, I learn that she’s met a guy and they’ve changed their social-media statuses and are meeting each other’s parents tomorrow. How in the crap does it all happen so fast for these chicks, and what am I doing wrong?

5. I’VE LEARNED A LOT FROM BEING SINGLE, BUT I’M READY FOR A NEW LESSON.

 Doing things for myself over the past years has served me well — I’d never deny it. I’ve faced a lot by myself, from emergency situations to health scares to huge spiders in my house. A friend told me recently, “You’re totally capable on your own. You don’t need a guy!” Sure, I’m doing great on my own, but I’m still clueless about how to put my life together with a partner’s and make it all work.

6. JUST BECAUSE I KNOW HOW TO DO IT ALL BY MYSELF DOESN’T MEAN I WANT TO.

 Going solo builds confidence and self-reliance. Awesome. But now that I’ve got the hang of being an independent woman, I’m ready to pair off with an equally independent guy. Is being half of a power couple too much to ask for?

7. I CAN GO ON ADVENTURES BY MYSELF, BUT IT’S BETTER AS HALF OF A COUPLE. 

My ex and I used to hit the road on Saturdays and find ourselves anywhere from a nude beach to a cowboy bar. Couldn’t I do those things on my own? Be a happy, swingin’ single and stop moaning about my loneliness? I guess, but the real joy of those weekend outings didn’t come from snickering at naked butts on a beach or two-stepping to the jukebox. The fun part was sharing the moment with someone I loved.

8. SEX IS BETTER WHEN I’M COMMITTED. 

I know, I know — lucky me, I have nothing holding me back from enjoying hot sex with anyone I choose. But while I have no moral or social squeamishness about hookups, I’ve outgrown my casual phase. Instead, give me lazy late-afternoon sessions with a long-term boyfriend any day.

9. I’M TIRED OF BEING ON MY BEST BEHAVIOR ALL THE TIME.

The grass is evidently always greener on the other side because my paired friends tell me they miss getting dressed up and going on first dates (like I said, I think they’ve blocked their single days from memory). No matter how perfect it ends up, a first date always starts out like an interview. I dress my best, check my hair a dozen times, chew enough mints that my breath comes out in a frosty cloud, and sit there all straight-postured across from a virtual stranger, pretending to be relaxed. I’m so over it. I just want to get to the “slouched in front of the tube with a greasy pizza” part of things.

10. I’M TOO CROTCHETY ALONE.

I want a relationship to challenge me and prevent me from hardening into a cranky senior citizen before I hit 40. This doesn’t mean I’m willing to grab for the nearest male and hold on no matter what. Really, if I don’t meet my match till later in life, I’ll learn to adjust — but I’d rather not have to.

11. I KNOW WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR IN A PARTNER. 

Abs, a six-figure income, and a killer smile… kidding! I understand the difference between mandatory qualities and superficial ones. I’m ready to find my forever person.

12. BEING UPFRONT ABOUT WANTING A RELATIONSHIP DOESN’T MEAN I’M GOING TO SETTLE. 

My standards have never been higher. Instead of stacking up first dates in an attempt to increase the odds, I’m actually getting more selective about who I’ll go out with — a quality over quantity approach. So don’t consider it a signal of desperation that I admit to being lonely and discontented. If I were willing to settle for less than I deserve, I could’ve done so years ago.

13. I KNOW THAT A RELATIONSHIP ISN’T THE MOST IMPORTANT THING, BUT IT’S STILL PART OF A BALANCED LIFE.

 Finding a boyfriend isn’t the solution to mental turmoil or poor self-esteem, nor is it the ultimate indication of success, but I’m idealistic enough to believe that sharing my soul with the right man will help me to be an even better, more capable version of my already fantastic self.

14. I’VE LEARNED THAT FOLLOWING THE “RULES” IS COUNTERPRODUCTIVE. 

I’m tired of playing chill all the time. I don’t want to waste time on a boy who’s only interested in me when he’s afraid he can’t have me. Give me the man who gets even more excited than before when he discovers that I want to share my life with him. Damn, I hope he’s out there.

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