The Honest Truth Is I’m Done Trying With You

I’m done. And I hate saying that. I hate giving up on someone who gave me so much to look forward to. I hate giving up on someone who made me so happy most the time. Most the time being the key words there.

But I was holding onto and chasing after something that might not even have been there in the first place.

I hate thinking if I gave it one more shot or tried a little harder just maybe it would have worked out.

But it wasn’t me that needed to try harder. And that’s what I’ll keep reminding myself.

I’m done trying so hard for someone who makes me feel like I’m the one not good enough for you.

I’m done sending every first text and keeping a conversation going.

You were polite but I didn’t need that, I needed honesty.

But it was never me you were unsure of, it was yourself.

I’m done trying so hard for someone who I’ve built up in my head to be greater than they are.

But from the bottom of my heart, I really did believe you were everything.

And while I wouldn’t have changed a thing about you, it kind of felt like I had to change who I was, to even consider being noticed by you.

And I tried. I couldn’t have tried harder for someone.

I don’t know what more I could have done. I don’t know what kinder words I could have said.

But I’m tired. I’m hurt. I’m out of ideas of how to win you over.

If you have to try that hard they probably aren’t worth it. But I wanted you to be.

I didn’t want to look back the months and consider them wasted.

I’m done trying to defend you when my friends say I’m wasting my time. Because I didn’t want them to be right about you. Because I really did think you were different.

I’m done going out of my way to see you or try and make you happy.

I’m done staring at a phone wondering when you’ll answer.

I’m done playing some game I didn’t sign up for and every time I learned the rules you simply put the game on pause.

I’m done feeling like some option when all I’ve ever done is make you a priority.

But the truth is I’ve never stopped believing in you. I’ve never stopped trying. I’ve built you up in moments where I was drowning under the surface and you didn’t even think to ask how I was doing. I’m done having every conversation about you. I’m done putting you before myself.

And maybe this is on me. You didn’t ask for this and I didn’t intend for any of this to escalate as much as it did. But that’s relationships, you fall without intending to even if you know the person won’t catch you.

But I’m done trying. Because there isn’t anyone I tried harder for. There wasn’t anyone I tried to make happier.

The truth is I couldn’t fill whatever void you needed me to. I couldn’t be the person you needed me to be. But I tried. I tried so hard to be everything I could for you. But even my best wasn’t enough.

And that’s the hardest thing in the entire world, your best not being good enough for someone. And you thinking you were to blame.

It’s looking at your reflection and not fixating upon flaws. But when the only person you care about is the one you can’t get, you don’t look at them. You look at yourself like it’s everything you’ve done wrong. And you want to try harder. You want to do more. You think one day you’ll prove you deserve them.

And I’m not one to quit. But I think walking away even if it hurts will lead us to the things we both deserve. And I’m sorry I couldn’t be that person for you.

And in time I’ll muster whatever strength I have to ignore you. In time I won’t answer.

At first, the days you don’t notice we speak will seem like a marathon of life without you because you were always my favorite part of the day.

But one day you’ll begin to notice my absence. One day you’ll send a text I won’t answer back immediately or at all. One day that snap will go opened and that uncolored blue arrow will annoy you as much as it did me so many times. One day I won’t be your first like or comment. One day it’ll appear like I don’t care.

And on that day where we cross paths and I’m holding the hand of someone I wanted so badly to be you, you’ll see an unwavering strength to my smile and a hello that would have broken me a long time ago.

Because I’ll always look at you at what we could have been but the what-ifs and maybes are a tired game of make-belief that I tried to play with for so long.

But eventually, I will have found something more real than what I came up with in my head.

I will have found someone who is as honest with me as I was with you. I will have found someone who cares about me as I did you. I will have found someone who meets me halfway in a life where I’ve only known giving everyone and everything my all to a point where it made me look bad. I will have found someone who appreciates me as I did you if only you could have reciprocated it.

And you’ll look at me and I’ll look at you and we will both know it wasn’t supposed to end that way. But it did. And that’s when it’ll hit you. That’s when you’ll know the same thing I knew about us for so long.

But the honest truth is this new person didn’t have to see me with someone else to realize my value. And that’s the difference between you two.

 

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