I want you to think about this for a second.
What is the worst pain you’ve ever felt? Was it falling off your bike when you were learning how to ride? Was it your first serious break up? Was it the tears that ran down your cheek when you left your best friend for college?
For me it was when I realized he didn’t love me as much as I loved him.
To love someone so unconditionally you would do anything for them and receive nothing in return, is an indescribable feeling. The ache in your heart everyday when you just keep telling yourself “one day.” One day he’ll love me the way I love him. One day he will appreciate all the things I do for him. One day he will wake up and realize I am the best thing that has ever walked into his life. One day he will change and be the man I know he has the potential to be.
You are best friends with his best friends. You share his joys and you weep in his sorrows. You feel his pain and his excitement. But he does nothing to reciprocate any of it. You believe in him because you believe people can change.
You are wrong.
Not everyone you encounter in life will change for the better. Not everyone will love you the way you are capable of loving them. It’s the sad truth of life. That boy that is your everything, gives you butterflies, makes you smile so hard your cheeks hurt… that is also the same boy that makes you feel nervous anytime you argue, makes you feel insecure because you might not be enough, and makes you cry uncontrollably when you realize that to him you will never be enough.
He doesn’t know what he has. He doesn’t know that you love him more than you could ever tell him. He doesn’t know how broken he has made you feel. He doesn’t know that when he chooses to put his friends first every time, he is slowly losing you. He doesn’t know that with every tear that grazes your cheek, you are being emotionally drained.
The day you gain the courage to tell him how empty you feel because of him is the day you can stop walking on eggshells. On that day you tell him that he is the one that is not enough. He is the one that has taken advantage of everything you have done for him. He is the reason that you cry so hard that your heart feels like it could beat out of your chest. He is the reason that you don’t want to ever love again. He is the reason that you have lost your trust for not only him but also in yourself.
On that day, you will feel the pit in your stomach knowing you just let go of someone that you held so close for so long. You let go of someone who manipulated you because he was to scared to be alone. He wanted to be with you but he didn’t want you.
But on that day you will also feel the relief. The relief of his weight from your shoulders. The relief knowing that now you can find someone better. Even if you still have that feeling of not wanting to love again. I promise you, someone will come who will make you laugh without feeling like it could be the last time. Someone who will make you feel wanted, not just one day, but every day. Someone who will constantly reassure you of their love for you because they know you have been broken before. They will take every opportunity to make sure that feeling does not overwhelm you again. Someone who will be there for you at the drop of a dime because they genuinely care. Someone who will hold you when you feel like the rest of the world is crashing down.
You will find that person. You just have to let go of the one that’s holding you back.
You have to believe that there is someone out there that will become a better man because he believes you deserve better and wants to be that better just to keep you in his life.